Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “suicide

True Happiness (01/28/2017)

I’ve done it before.
I’ve attempted it before.
I tried to end my life before.
And during that time…

Was when I felt the most happiest.

I wish to feel that happiness again.
Even though I couldn’t feel anything.
The thought that went through my head,
“I can finally leave. I can finally escape.
I can finally end it all.”
Made me feel something I haven’t felt before.

True happiness.

I’m craving it again.
I want that true happiness.
I want to attempt it again.

Because that’s how I’ll be able to feel it again.

Yeah, I care about the people around me.
I know if I actually did attempt,
they would be upset.
But at the same time…

That’s selfish of them.

To want me to stay when I only suffer.
No way to express myself.
Nothing to help me.

Except death.

I can only truly feel happy
when I finally pass on.

I crave the feeling to slip away.
I crave the feeling to know that
I’m about to die.

I only felt true happiness when that happened.

Besides…

What is there in life for me?

A family?
I don’t want it.

A successful job?
I don’t care.

Spending my life with my SO?
I don’t know.

Nothing seems worth it anymore.
No one cares except two people.
So why not go?

I’d only disappoint two people anyway.

I wouldn’t make too many people sad.
I wouldn’t have to make many people worry.
I wouldn’t have to have many people mourn me.

So what’s stopping me?

From reaching my true happiness?

Perhaps fear.
Maybe a wrong sense of time.
Possibly not enough materials.

Something’s stopping me.

I can’t leave things go unfinished.
Maybe that’s why.
I have to finish what’s left for me.
It isn’t much anyway.

Maybe it could be complete soon.
Who knows?

I don’t want to keep my true happiness waiting.
I want to feel it again.

I want to feel truly happy again.


I’m Not Happy (6/12/2016)

You say how happy you are,
But why are you happy?
Can’t you see?
I’m not happy.
I’m not happy to still be here.
I don’t want to exist.
I don’t want to be alive.
I’ve lived up to a point where I realized,
I can’t continue to live life.
I’ve been happy until recently.
Until everything crashed down on me.
I can’t handle everything anymore.
I don’t wish to exist anymore.
I wish I never existed.
I can’t continue to be here.
I don’t want to be here.
You said you were happy I lived.
You said you couldn’t believe I attempted it.
You didn’t believe that I would do something.
When I did, you decided to give up.
I didn’t want to live.
Especially not after failing the attempt.
No one wants to be around someone like me.
No one wants to hold onto someone
Who may let go entirely one day.
I’ve tried since getting out
To be happier.
To see the better side of life.
But once again…
It proves to me that I don’t belong.
I’m losing reasons to live
and gaining more reasons to die.
People keep leaving and I have no one.
I don’t have anyone to really want me here.
No one cares enough to help me.
No one cares enough to stay.
As I’ve said before, you’d leave,
Just like everyone else.
And as I predicted, you left.
I’m not happy living.
I’ve never been truly happy to live.
All these years to have passed,
I’ve never been happy.
I’m not happy to be alive.
So why do you want me to suffer so much?
Why do you want me to live when I’m not happy to be alive?
Why do you want me to stay
and continue to hurt
and suffer.
I’m not happy.
I want to leave.
I want to not be here any longer.


My World… (3/19/2015)

Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!
I can’t deal with this anymore.
All this stress is becoming too overwhelming.
It hurts so much.
I can’t eat, I literally cannot eat.
I am too stressed to eat.
I’m too stressed and upset.
I don’t know what to do now.
I think I already lost you.
Lost you to your friend.
That is like, one of my worst fears.
To lose you to another girl.
Or to just lose you in general.
I miss you.
I know I said that I wanted some alone time from you.
But it’s killing me.
I feel like I’m dying.
Or that I’ll do something that’ll result in me dying.
I haven’t had these thoughts in such a long time.
Thoughts of contemplating suicide.
I want to die.
Because it feels like I lost my world.
You are my world.
Well…
At least you were my world…
I thought you were my world.
It feels like you don’t care.
And that you want to just leave.
Or just don’t care to be with me.
It feels like you’d rather go and be with your friend.
And be in a relationship with her.
It hurts to think that.
It hurts to think of losing you.
But I can’t do anything to change your mind.
I can’t do anything to get you back.
As you said, you started losing trust in me.
And that it may be good to break up.
I don’t want to break up with you.
But I feel like I can’t change that.
That I can’t change the fact that you want to break up.
Even though I said I wanted to try to work things out…
You said you were trying, but I didn’t know.
Because I thought everything was fine.
I didn’t know you were upset.
I didn’t know there was a problem between us.
You just kept it from me.
I thought you were fine with what I did.
But you were lying.
You’re the liar.
You accusing me of lying…
YOU’RE THE ONE FUCKING LYING!!!
I’m not lying.
I never lied about saying “I Love You”.
I never did.
But you lied to me before.
So now I don’t know if I could trust you…
Because you lied to me.
I don’t even know how long you’ve been lying to me.
For all I know, you could be lying about saying that you love me.
You probably never did.
You probably never loved me…
I…
I don’t know what to do…
I’m just so hurt.
I’m so broken.
I feel so alone…
I don’t know if I could trust you anymore.
You lied to me before…
Maybe it would be best if we broke up…
You were my world…
You were the glue that held together my broken world…
You fixed my broken world…
But…
You WERE my world…


What If? (9/27/2014)

What if I just maybe, sort of, accidentally, kind of killed myself?
You know, by accident.
Not on purpose.
What if I did.
Like how I’m laying here, typing this up while eating Little Bites muffins.
The mini blueberry kind with a soft texture.
And I just choke on them.
And I choke and gasp for breath and just die because no one was around to save me.
Hours later my grandparents would find me here.
Laptop on my lap, this up on the screen, not even finished.
This poem on the screen, I mean.
Or how I could be so tired if I’m walking home from somewhere.
There’s a busy street I have to pass.
I eventually reach the street, but I’m awfully exhausted.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
What if I just walked through the street, thinking no cars were coming by, but there were?
I’m in the middle of the street, sleep on my mind.
And BAM!
The bumper of the car hits me.
Pushing me to hit the windshield and over the car to roll off onto the ground.
Unable to move.
Wondering what happened.
Thinking, “Damn, I’m so tired… I’m hurting but I feel numb.”
“I know I’m laying down, but what happened?”
“Dammit, I’m too tired to think.”
“I just want to sleep.”
“Maybe I can finally sleep.”
And my eyes slowly close, never to wake again.
What if I accidentally killed myself?
Not thinking about it but knowing suicide takes over my mind.
I’m not intending to kill myself.
But my mind sort of blocks the fact that I am going to.
And I actually do.
Would people still love me had I died from unconsciously thinking of suicide?
Would they still have cared about me if I died by accidental suicide?
Or, what if…
I go to a party with other young adults.
There’s alcohol served and I’m feeling thirsty.
I take a swig, and it feels like I don’t necessarily have to think about much.
I feel addicted.
I want to drink more of it, so I do.
Later that night I get a mind blowing headache.
My head hurts so much that I can’t think much.
Somehow I make it home and I find the pain killers.
Normally I would know not to take them while drunk.
But with this headache, I’ll do anything.
I take what I thought was a couple of pills.
But in reality, it was a handful.
I didn’t think it was a handful, but couldn’t think straight.
So I passed out.
I slowly open my eyes and I’m in a hospital.
I’m somehow alive after heavy drinking and overdosing.
Tubes and needles are connected to me.
I’m scared.
What the hell just happened?
Why am I here??
Where is everyone?!
I start to freak out in which a nurse comes to calm me down.
I’m so scared, I don’t know what happened.
What day is it?
Where is everyone?
Tears fill my eyes.
“What the hell did I do?” I say to myself.
A few minutes, he comes there.
My lover, my boyfriend, my best friend.
He’s standing in the doorway.
It’s hard to make out his expression from the drugs I’m under that the hospital gave me.
I get scared because he knows that I have suicidal thoughts.
What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because he thinks what I did was a way to kill myself?
I don’t know what to do.
I just end up crying even harder.
He comes over and hugs me.
I just don’t know how to feel, but I feel better in his arms.
Though, if this did really happen, would he still love me?
If I accidentally tried to commit suicide and fail, would anyone still love me?
None of this ever happened to me, but what if it did?
Would people still think the same of me before something like that happens?
Or would they just not want to be around me if I were to accidentally do something like that?
What if I accidentally committed suicide?


Helplessness (9/17/2014)

It’s happening again.
These feelings.
I’m breaking again.
I thought I was fixed…
But I’m breaking once more.
I can’t be of help.
I want to help.
But I just can’t.
I’m breaking.
Every part inside of me is crumbling.
It’s not staying together.
Everything I taught myself to do.
To not cry at pathetic things.
To not feel this way.
It’s all breaking.
It’s all falling apart.
Why.
Why can’t I stay together?
I tried my best to stay together.
Until this same situation came here.
Just like before.
Just like the others.
Thoughts of them…
“Leaving.”
“Going away.”
Committing suicide.
The ones I love.
Those thoughts of them.
Never coming back.
I thought I got rid of those sorts of feelings.
I thought I was able to.
I thought I’d never feel this way again.
But it’s come back to haunt me.
Go away…
GO AWAY!
I hate these feelings.
Tears rushing down my face.
My stomach aching to puke.
My head hurting.
Unable to think.
Confusion surrounding my broken soul.
I thought those feelings were gone.
But they’re back.
I want to help the ones I love.
So I don’t have to feel this way.
But I can’t help.
I can’t help…
I’m so useless as usual.
I can’t be of any help to the ones I love.
I want to help…
But I can’t…