I’ve done it before.
I’ve attempted it before.
I tried to end my life before.
And during that time…
Was when I felt the most happiest.
I wish to feel that happiness again.
Even though I couldn’t feel anything.
The thought that went through my head,
“I can finally leave. I can finally escape.
I can finally end it all.”
Made me feel something I haven’t felt before.
I’m craving it again.
I want that true happiness.
I want to attempt it again.
Because that’s how I’ll be able to feel it again.
Yeah, I care about the people around me.
I know if I actually did attempt,
they would be upset.
But at the same time…
That’s selfish of them.
To want me to stay when I only suffer.
No way to express myself.
Nothing to help me.
I can only truly feel happy
when I finally pass on.
I crave the feeling to slip away.
I crave the feeling to know that
I’m about to die.
I only felt true happiness when that happened.
What is there in life for me?
I don’t want it.
A successful job?
I don’t care.
Spending my life with my SO?
I don’t know.
Nothing seems worth it anymore.
No one cares except two people.
So why not go?
I’d only disappoint two people anyway.
I wouldn’t make too many people sad.
I wouldn’t have to make many people worry.
I wouldn’t have to have many people mourn me.
So what’s stopping me?
From reaching my true happiness?
Maybe a wrong sense of time.
Possibly not enough materials.
Something’s stopping me.
I can’t leave things go unfinished.
Maybe that’s why.
I have to finish what’s left for me.
It isn’t much anyway.
Maybe it could be complete soon.
I don’t want to keep my true happiness waiting.
I want to feel it again.
I want to feel truly happy again.
You say how happy you are,
But why are you happy?
Can’t you see?
I’m not happy.
I’m not happy to still be here.
I don’t want to exist.
I don’t want to be alive.
I’ve lived up to a point where I realized,
I can’t continue to live life.
I’ve been happy until recently.
Until everything crashed down on me.
I can’t handle everything anymore.
I don’t wish to exist anymore.
I wish I never existed.
I can’t continue to be here.
I don’t want to be here.
You said you were happy I lived.
You said you couldn’t believe I attempted it.
You didn’t believe that I would do something.
When I did, you decided to give up.
I didn’t want to live.
Especially not after failing the attempt.
No one wants to be around someone like me.
No one wants to hold onto someone
Who may let go entirely one day.
I’ve tried since getting out
To be happier.
To see the better side of life.
But once again…
It proves to me that I don’t belong.
I’m losing reasons to live
and gaining more reasons to die.
People keep leaving and I have no one.
I don’t have anyone to really want me here.
No one cares enough to help me.
No one cares enough to stay.
As I’ve said before, you’d leave,
Just like everyone else.
And as I predicted, you left.
I’m not happy living.
I’ve never been truly happy to live.
All these years to have passed,
I’ve never been happy.
I’m not happy to be alive.
So why do you want me to suffer so much?
Why do you want me to live when I’m not happy to be alive?
Why do you want me to stay
and continue to hurt
I’m not happy.
I want to leave.
I want to not be here any longer.