Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “sadness

Nostalgia (12/2/2016)

Nostalgia

Sickness

Sadness

I dream of you still.
I dream you want me back.
That you’re sad.
That you are depressed without me.

Every time I wake up from them,
and several days thereafter,
I feel sick.

Ill

Those butterflies that once lived
in my stomach.

Dead

And the corpses remain.

Decomposing

Rotting

Upsetting my stomach and wanting out.

Weighing down on my mentality.

You’re still there.

You’re still haunting me.

I don’t want you there.

You make me sick.

You legit make me want to puke.

I dream you want me back.

But I don’t want you back.

You hurt me.
Ever since that last late spring,
you hurt me.

The physical illness isn’t the worst part.

It was confiding in you.

It was trusting you.

It was putting all my faith in someone,
hoping they weren’t the same as the others.

And watching it all happen

All over again

It was hearing you say
that you “didn’t care

You were tired of me.
You were tired of almost everything I am.

It was hearing the fact that

I’m not worth talking to when

I’m not happy
I’m upset

Sad

Depressed

Lost in a black abyss

Trapped in the dark

I still remember it.

I remember all those words

Those that which broke me down

Those that shut me back in.
Those that meant,

I should not open up.
I should not trust people.
I should not explain how I feel to anyone.
That I should never have done that in the first place.

And when I think back to our good memories.
It makes me sick.

Ill

Gross

When I get nostalgic,
it destroys me a little bit
at a time.

And it breaks me down
when it’s about you.

Because it reminds me

that I never should have trusted you.

I never should have confided in you.

I never should have put faith in you.

When I get nostalgic,

it reminds me that you destroyed

the weak side of me

after helping build it up.

 

When I get nostalgic,

it reminds me that

I never should have fell for you

as hard as I did.

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Life Transfers (9/8/2016)

I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to stay alive.
But I’m scared to try to die.
In case of failure.

I’d gladly trade the rest of my life
for someone who’s close to dying.
So they could get a chance to live
and not feel robbed.

If I could,
I WOULD

I don’t have potential.
I don’t have anything worth living for.

Why waste it on me?
Why not give it to a child dying right now?
Why not?
They could have potential.

I don’t.
I don’t have anything to look forward to.
I don’t have a promising career in mind.
Or a want to start a family.

I don’t care about any of that.
I don’t care about happiness or joy.
I don’t care about wealth or a spectacular job.
I don’t care about having a future family either.

I don’t want any of that.
There’s no point.
I obsess over death.
I know I do.

I’ve been told that I do.
I obsess over death too much according to some.
But that’s because
that’s all I ever wanted in the end.

I crave death.
I crave for the feeling for my heart to stop beating.
I crave for the day that my body goes limp
from lack of blood flow from my heart.

I live for the day that I stop breathing.
I don’t care if death would only be darkness.
I don’t care if it would only be forgetting my entire life.
I don’t care about any of that.

If I could, I would transfer whatever life I had left
to someone dying right now.
I don’t need it. I don’t want it.
But someone else does.


My Nightmares (1/7/2016)

One day, I feel happy.
The next, I feel sad.
I don’t know why.
My nightmares become more intense.
I dreamt of my love about to be murdered.
I begged the murderer not to kill him.
I begged and pleaded him not to kill him.
But instead…
He turned me toward my love…
And went to kill him…
But before that happened…
I woke up.
I couldn’t cry.
I couldn’t cry at all.
Not a single tear.
I tried so much but I couldn’t.
The next night, I had a nightmare as well.
I dreamt that no one would help me.
And that I just wanted to kill myself.
I wanted to go to a very high place and just jump off.
I went to a tall place and looked down.
I got dizzy a bit but I still wanted to jump.
I didn’t feel scared really at all.
I felt comfortable with the idea.
It scared me so much to actually feel comfortable with that idea.
I was so scared when I woke up.
But before I woke up..
I was standing on the edge of a tall place about to jump.
Before I could jump or do anything,
I woke up.
I couldn’t cry again.
I felt incredibly sad and I couldn’t cry.
But later, I got a pet fish.
He’s a betta and his name is Moonlight.
He’s such a beauty.
When I saw him, I could barely contain how happy I was.
I was trying hard to hold back from crying.
But I never cried before.
Not cry tears of happiness I mean.
It was weird.
I felt so happy from Moonlight that I was gonna cry.
But I couldn’t cry from my nightmares.
They scared me so much and made me so sad.
But I couldn’t cry…
I don’t know why I feel this way.


Lonely Wolf (5/28/2015)

Running through this brightened snow.
Hiding in a place where no one knows.
Beneath the freezing cold.
Where his mind can no longer hold.
The thoughts of being alone.
Even though he should have known.
That no one wanted to be around him.
Because of how he is so grim.
No one wanted to be around.
Because of how he sometimes sounds.
No love from his parents or friends.
But most of those relationships already came to an end.
He wanted to know how love feels.
Is it the same after feasting on a delicious meal?
Or like feeling the warmth of a cave?
But no one would love how he behaves.
So he wandered the snowy fields.
Leaving his true self to never be revealed.
Hoping to find a better life to live.
He hopes to be able to forgive.
Those who betrayed him.
But his feelings are filling to the brim.
He cannot contain them any longer.
He howls to the sky and wishes he were stronger.
Upon howling he soon discovers something strange.
But is yet out of range.
He stares at in disbelief.
But he feels that his grief.
Slowly disappears into thin air.
While light shines on what is there.
He stares at the light colored moon.
He stares for hours until it has left so soon.
Sadness immediately fills his heart.
This feeling is tearing him apart.
He cannot let his love get away.
So he chases the moon as he is full of dismay.
Wondering why it left so suddenly.
When it gave off a feeling so lovingly.
He tried but could not win.
He stopped running and gave in.
No one wanted to be around him.
Sadness came back even more grim.
He wishes he could be more than only,
Just a wolf that is so lonely.


Sadness (11/27/2014)

The thoughts around me are all the same.
Negative, pessimistic, deceiving.
What do I have to do to make them go away?
I’ve lived with them for a while.
I know there’s a good through all of this.
But I can barely see any good in it.
I can barely see any positives.
I’ve been sad before.
I know that.
But I feel so upset that it’s difficult to comprehend.
My heart feels broken when I know it’s not.
My mind feels deceived when it probably wasn’t.
I feel like I’m just jumping to the worst possible solution.
Where nothing good comes out.
I’m trying not to do that.
But it’s difficult to undo the things I did.
I’m so used to a worst case scenario.
It’s difficult to not do that anymore.
But even so, I feel so sad that I automatically do that.
I don’t think about it.
I just do.
It’s hard to try and think of positives right now.
When all I used to think about were negatives.
I’m trying to be more optimistic.
But it’s hard to do so.
When all I used to be was pessimistic.
I’m trying to face these challenges.
I really am.
But I’m having trouble holding up.
Because I know that my future is slipping from my grasp.
I’m trying to hold on.
But the sadness is a liquid that keeps pouring onto my hands.
To make me lose my grip of my future.
I’m trying to make it go away.
But my future is slipping away faster than I am making the sadness go away.


Why.. (7/8/2014)

143…486…
Some of the few numbers to bring life to the forgotten.
But why…
Why the forgotten?
Why the person swept away from their peers?
Why does stuff happen to the unlucky?
Why can’t anything bad happen to the ones who are always happy?
Does no one care about us?
But why…?
WHY?!
I’ve nearly poured my energy out to be happy..
Why do I still feel so sad?
Why can’t I be happy?
It seems so easy for everyone around me.
But why can’t it be easy for me to be happy?
I want to be happy..
Why is it no one wants me to be happy?!
I didn’t do anything to deserve this burden.
But why?
I want to be happy..
I want people to care for me.
But no one does..
It’s all lies when they say they care.
They always lie!
Why can’t anyone be honest with me..
Why…


My Days… (9/4/2013)

Back to school I go.
My appearance is just for show.
Starving, day by day.
Nothing left to say.
Struggling from day one.
Nothing is just for fun.
Hearts fill my page.
I doubt it’s from rage.
But now they are broken hearts.
To represent how mine was torn apart.
Mine is now stitched together.
The stitches won’t stay there forever.
My mind is invaded by stress.
Why am I such a mess?
Living behind a complete lie.
Wishing that I could just die.
But again, there is something keeping me here.
The something helps rid my mind of fear.
I wonder how long he could keep my fear away.
Before it slowly destroys my soul one day.