Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “sad

I’m Not Happy (6/12/2016)

You say how happy you are,
But why are you happy?
Can’t you see?
I’m not happy.
I’m not happy to still be here.
I don’t want to exist.
I don’t want to be alive.
I’ve lived up to a point where I realized,
I can’t continue to live life.
I’ve been happy until recently.
Until everything crashed down on me.
I can’t handle everything anymore.
I don’t wish to exist anymore.
I wish I never existed.
I can’t continue to be here.
I don’t want to be here.
You said you were happy I lived.
You said you couldn’t believe I attempted it.
You didn’t believe that I would do something.
When I did, you decided to give up.
I didn’t want to live.
Especially not after failing the attempt.
No one wants to be around someone like me.
No one wants to hold onto someone
Who may let go entirely one day.
I’ve tried since getting out
To be happier.
To see the better side of life.
But once again…
It proves to me that I don’t belong.
I’m losing reasons to live
and gaining more reasons to die.
People keep leaving and I have no one.
I don’t have anyone to really want me here.
No one cares enough to help me.
No one cares enough to stay.
As I’ve said before, you’d leave,
Just like everyone else.
And as I predicted, you left.
I’m not happy living.
I’ve never been truly happy to live.
All these years to have passed,
I’ve never been happy.
I’m not happy to be alive.
So why do you want me to suffer so much?
Why do you want me to live when I’m not happy to be alive?
Why do you want me to stay
and continue to hurt
and suffer.
I’m not happy.
I want to leave.
I want to not be here any longer.

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My Nightmares (1/7/2016)

One day, I feel happy.
The next, I feel sad.
I don’t know why.
My nightmares become more intense.
I dreamt of my love about to be murdered.
I begged the murderer not to kill him.
I begged and pleaded him not to kill him.
But instead…
He turned me toward my love…
And went to kill him…
But before that happened…
I woke up.
I couldn’t cry.
I couldn’t cry at all.
Not a single tear.
I tried so much but I couldn’t.
The next night, I had a nightmare as well.
I dreamt that no one would help me.
And that I just wanted to kill myself.
I wanted to go to a very high place and just jump off.
I went to a tall place and looked down.
I got dizzy a bit but I still wanted to jump.
I didn’t feel scared really at all.
I felt comfortable with the idea.
It scared me so much to actually feel comfortable with that idea.
I was so scared when I woke up.
But before I woke up..
I was standing on the edge of a tall place about to jump.
Before I could jump or do anything,
I woke up.
I couldn’t cry again.
I felt incredibly sad and I couldn’t cry.
But later, I got a pet fish.
He’s a betta and his name is Moonlight.
He’s such a beauty.
When I saw him, I could barely contain how happy I was.
I was trying hard to hold back from crying.
But I never cried before.
Not cry tears of happiness I mean.
It was weird.
I felt so happy from Moonlight that I was gonna cry.
But I couldn’t cry from my nightmares.
They scared me so much and made me so sad.
But I couldn’t cry…
I don’t know why I feel this way.


Sadness (11/27/2014)

The thoughts around me are all the same.
Negative, pessimistic, deceiving.
What do I have to do to make them go away?
I’ve lived with them for a while.
I know there’s a good through all of this.
But I can barely see any good in it.
I can barely see any positives.
I’ve been sad before.
I know that.
But I feel so upset that it’s difficult to comprehend.
My heart feels broken when I know it’s not.
My mind feels deceived when it probably wasn’t.
I feel like I’m just jumping to the worst possible solution.
Where nothing good comes out.
I’m trying not to do that.
But it’s difficult to undo the things I did.
I’m so used to a worst case scenario.
It’s difficult to not do that anymore.
But even so, I feel so sad that I automatically do that.
I don’t think about it.
I just do.
It’s hard to try and think of positives right now.
When all I used to think about were negatives.
I’m trying to be more optimistic.
But it’s hard to do so.
When all I used to be was pessimistic.
I’m trying to face these challenges.
I really am.
But I’m having trouble holding up.
Because I know that my future is slipping from my grasp.
I’m trying to hold on.
But the sadness is a liquid that keeps pouring onto my hands.
To make me lose my grip of my future.
I’m trying to make it go away.
But my future is slipping away faster than I am making the sadness go away.