Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “pain

Feelings (10/25/2016)








All these I feel.
All these I can’t get rid of.
All these feelings.


I don’t want them.
I don’t want them at all.
I don’t want to feel them.

I don’t want to live to feel them.
They’re all I ever feel.
They’re all I have inside.

I’d rather die.
I’d rather die and be forgotten.
I’d rather not feel.

I don’t wish to live.
I never did.
I never wished to be born.

I never wished to feel these emotions.
I never wished for this.
I was forced into this.


So damn much, I hate it.
I don’t wish to feel these anymore.
I don’t wish for life anymore.
I’d rather die than feel any sort of emotion ever again.

I can’t keep going on.
I can’t trick myself into thinking,
that my life has a purpose.
Because it doesn’t.

I can’t keep going on.
I can’t make myself think that,
anything I do will amount to anything.
Because it won’t.

I’ve tried to accomplish stuff.
I’ve tried my best.
But it was never enough.
Others always did that stuff better.

Everyone is always better than me.
Nothing I do matters.
Anything I try doesn’t amount to anything.

It fucking sucks.
It creates more of these feelings I have.
And it fucking sucks.

I never asked to have these feelings.
I never wanted them if they only brought me pain and suffering.

I don’t want them.
I don’t care for them.
I’d rather die than feel.


I’m Not Happy (6/12/2016)

You say how happy you are,
But why are you happy?
Can’t you see?
I’m not happy.
I’m not happy to still be here.
I don’t want to exist.
I don’t want to be alive.
I’ve lived up to a point where I realized,
I can’t continue to live life.
I’ve been happy until recently.
Until everything crashed down on me.
I can’t handle everything anymore.
I don’t wish to exist anymore.
I wish I never existed.
I can’t continue to be here.
I don’t want to be here.
You said you were happy I lived.
You said you couldn’t believe I attempted it.
You didn’t believe that I would do something.
When I did, you decided to give up.
I didn’t want to live.
Especially not after failing the attempt.
No one wants to be around someone like me.
No one wants to hold onto someone
Who may let go entirely one day.
I’ve tried since getting out
To be happier.
To see the better side of life.
But once again…
It proves to me that I don’t belong.
I’m losing reasons to live
and gaining more reasons to die.
People keep leaving and I have no one.
I don’t have anyone to really want me here.
No one cares enough to help me.
No one cares enough to stay.
As I’ve said before, you’d leave,
Just like everyone else.
And as I predicted, you left.
I’m not happy living.
I’ve never been truly happy to live.
All these years to have passed,
I’ve never been happy.
I’m not happy to be alive.
So why do you want me to suffer so much?
Why do you want me to live when I’m not happy to be alive?
Why do you want me to stay
and continue to hurt
and suffer.
I’m not happy.
I want to leave.
I want to not be here any longer.

Alone (3/17/2016)

Bounded by chains,
trapped beneath it all.
No one to save me
no one to help.

Bounded by lies,
trapped beneath the pain.
No one will save me
no one will ever help.

I’m alone in my head,
I’m by myself.
I can’t rely on anyone
I won’t rely on anyone.

I’m alone with my demons,
trapped and hurting.
No one will come
No one will save me from myself.

Broken Heart (3/24/2015)

Broken as this dreadful reality.
Lost in this indecent formality.
Broken and lost at this sea.
Wondering how to find “me”.
Hard to continue a life like this.
Surely I won’t be missed.
Carrying the weight of a broken heart.
Drowning in darkness as it tears me apart.
Suffering in this cruel silence.
Wondering how I could have been so dense.
My love wasn’t good enough.
I thought what you said was a bluff.
I didn’t know that you would want to leave.
Now you just left me to grieve.
I’m so broken as this shattered mirror.
The foggy glass has never been so clearer.
For once, I can now see.
What you turned out to be.
You said you started to care less.
Your lies had just made this all a mess.
You said you love me, but do you really?
I honestly love you, dearly.
But it’s hard to continue on.
Knowing that now you’re gone.
I may know why you left me.
Maybe to be with the friend you like and see.
But my broken heart never mattered.
Since you made it shatter.
You do not seem to care.
Why are you not so fair?
You lied to me before.
Before you walked out the door.
Wallowing around in my own pity.
This week was so shitty.
Bad thoughts have come back to haunt me.
Why won’t they just leave me be?!
Going on and on through this pain.
Above me lies this menacing rain.
Pouring and pouring and never going away.
Honestly, I do not want to stay.
I want to go far away from here.
I feel you do not want me near.
I feel like you want me gone.
It’s been so long.
Since I felt this way.
My thoughts have gone into a forbidden place.
The tears won’t stop falling onto my face.
Right now I want to die.
So I won’t have to continue this lie.

It Hurts (3/15/2015)

The pain is too much.
It’s almost unbearable.
I don’t want to lose you.
I don’t want to hurt you.
But yet I hurt you when I never thought that I did.
And I’m scared I’m about to lose you, too.
I’m nothing without you.
It feels like my life would be meaningless without you.
I don’t know what to do without you.
It hurts.
It hurts a lot.
To hear you say these things to me.
I know you don’t mean it.
And I know that you don’t want to hurt me.
But the words you’re saying to me is just too much.
It hurts a lot for you to say the things you said.
I’m so stressed.
I can’t eat or drink or even sleep well.
My chest hurts a lot and I feel like I’m about to puke.
I want to tell you how much I would want to die without you.
But I feel like it’d make you even more upset.
I don’t want to make you upset.
I don’t want to make things worse.
But that’s all it seems like I’m doing.
I want to make things better between us.
But, I’m just so useless.
I can’t be of help.
You said it, too.
I can’t help.
I want to help.
But I just cant.
Fuck, among all the stress I’m under, this is the worst of it all.
Hearing you say these things.
I don’t want to hear them, but how else would I know?
I’m so clueless.
I probably couldn’t put together a puzzle even if it came with the answers.
I really hate myself so much now.
I just make things worse.
I’m really trying to fix them.
But how am I supposed to fix something when I’m just the problem?

What If? (9/27/2014)

What if I just maybe, sort of, accidentally, kind of killed myself?
You know, by accident.
Not on purpose.
What if I did.
Like how I’m laying here, typing this up while eating Little Bites muffins.
The mini blueberry kind with a soft texture.
And I just choke on them.
And I choke and gasp for breath and just die because no one was around to save me.
Hours later my grandparents would find me here.
Laptop on my lap, this up on the screen, not even finished.
This poem on the screen, I mean.
Or how I could be so tired if I’m walking home from somewhere.
There’s a busy street I have to pass.
I eventually reach the street, but I’m awfully exhausted.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
What if I just walked through the street, thinking no cars were coming by, but there were?
I’m in the middle of the street, sleep on my mind.
And BAM!
The bumper of the car hits me.
Pushing me to hit the windshield and over the car to roll off onto the ground.
Unable to move.
Wondering what happened.
Thinking, “Damn, I’m so tired… I’m hurting but I feel numb.”
“I know I’m laying down, but what happened?”
“Dammit, I’m too tired to think.”
“I just want to sleep.”
“Maybe I can finally sleep.”
And my eyes slowly close, never to wake again.
What if I accidentally killed myself?
Not thinking about it but knowing suicide takes over my mind.
I’m not intending to kill myself.
But my mind sort of blocks the fact that I am going to.
And I actually do.
Would people still love me had I died from unconsciously thinking of suicide?
Would they still have cared about me if I died by accidental suicide?
Or, what if…
I go to a party with other young adults.
There’s alcohol served and I’m feeling thirsty.
I take a swig, and it feels like I don’t necessarily have to think about much.
I feel addicted.
I want to drink more of it, so I do.
Later that night I get a mind blowing headache.
My head hurts so much that I can’t think much.
Somehow I make it home and I find the pain killers.
Normally I would know not to take them while drunk.
But with this headache, I’ll do anything.
I take what I thought was a couple of pills.
But in reality, it was a handful.
I didn’t think it was a handful, but couldn’t think straight.
So I passed out.
I slowly open my eyes and I’m in a hospital.
I’m somehow alive after heavy drinking and overdosing.
Tubes and needles are connected to me.
I’m scared.
What the hell just happened?
Why am I here??
Where is everyone?!
I start to freak out in which a nurse comes to calm me down.
I’m so scared, I don’t know what happened.
What day is it?
Where is everyone?
Tears fill my eyes.
“What the hell did I do?” I say to myself.
A few minutes, he comes there.
My lover, my boyfriend, my best friend.
He’s standing in the doorway.
It’s hard to make out his expression from the drugs I’m under that the hospital gave me.
I get scared because he knows that I have suicidal thoughts.
What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because he thinks what I did was a way to kill myself?
I don’t know what to do.
I just end up crying even harder.
He comes over and hugs me.
I just don’t know how to feel, but I feel better in his arms.
Though, if this did really happen, would he still love me?
If I accidentally tried to commit suicide and fail, would anyone still love me?
None of this ever happened to me, but what if it did?
Would people still think the same of me before something like that happens?
Or would they just not want to be around me if I were to accidentally do something like that?
What if I accidentally committed suicide?

Ignore me all you want, but it will be you who will suffer in the end. Not me.