Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “not good enough

Feelings (10/25/2016)

Pain

Despair

Loneliness

Hurt

Anger

Suffering

Nothing.

All these I feel.
All these I can’t get rid of.
All these feelings.

JUST GO AWAY!

I don’t want them.
I don’t want them at all.
I don’t want to feel them.

I don’t want to live to feel them.
They’re all I ever feel.
They’re all I have inside.

I’d rather die.
I’d rather die and be forgotten.
I’d rather not feel.

I don’t wish to live.
I never did.
I never wished to be born.

I never wished to feel these emotions.
I never wished for this.
I was forced into this.

AND I FUCKING HATE IT!

So damn much, I hate it.
I don’t wish to feel these anymore.
I don’t wish for life anymore.
I’d rather die than feel any sort of emotion ever again.

I can’t keep going on.
I can’t trick myself into thinking,
that my life has a purpose.
Because it doesn’t.

I can’t keep going on.
I can’t make myself think that,
anything I do will amount to anything.
Because it won’t.

I’ve tried to accomplish stuff.
I’ve tried my best.
But it was never enough.
Others always did that stuff better.

Everyone is always better than me.
Nothing I do matters.
Anything I try doesn’t amount to anything.

It fucking sucks.
It creates more of these feelings I have.
And it fucking sucks.

I never asked to have these feelings.
I never wanted them if they only brought me pain and suffering.

I don’t want them.
I don’t care for them.
I’d rather die than feel.

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No One There (5/27/2015)

As I stand here alongside this wretched sea.
Watching as my inner self is no longer free.
Trapped and bounded by these chains.
As it continues to pour and rain.
Deep inside my darkened soul.
Broken beyond all control.
Staring at my lost face.
As it is trapped in this darkened place.
Buried beneath these horrible thoughts.
Wondering why whenever I fought.
It did not help me at all.
No one answered my calls.
I cried and cried, but no one was there.
No one ever cared.
I’m trapped in this darkness and I cannot get away.
Trapped beyond this challenging dismay.
I’m all alone with no one there.
Why does no one care?
I’m not ever good enough for anything.
Why is this the only thing my luck brings.
I’m so tired of being left alone.
What have I ever known?
About being loved by someone.
But no, they were instead done.
Of dealing with someone like me.
Because I eventually turned out to be.
Someone they didn’t like at all.
Because of all of my downfalls.
I’m so tired of all this pain.
And the heaviness of this rain.
That pours upon my broken heart.
That everyone seems to tear apart.
I just want to get away.
From all of these depressing days.


I’m Sorry (1/29/2015)

I can’t help myself.
I’m sorry, but I just find it hard to continue.
It’s hard to continue to do anything.
I just feel like I care less and less everyday.
Like I wouldn’t care so much about what happens to me.
It hurts me so much when I think about what’s happening.
But it just happens to me when I don’t think about it.
I hate how it feels like I don’t have control.
Why can’t I help myself?
I’m trying my best to get through life.
But it seems to never be good enough.
Not to me.
And not to anyone else.
I’m trying so hard not to give up completely.
But it’s so hard to find a reason not to.
I feel like everyone is giving up on me.
I’m sorry to be such a difficult, pain in the ass.
I’m trying to change, but I don’t think it’s working.
Because I feel like I should be more open.
But it’s making everyone start to not want to be around me.
Or just get annoyed/pissed off at me.
I’m sorry that I’m not trying hard enough.
But I sincerely am trying very hard.
But it’s hard to fight back the feelings.
Feelings like anger, frustration, sadness, and a million others.
It’s really hard to not let them get in the way of our friendship.
But lately, that’s all it seems to do.
I’m sorry, but I’m trying.
But I’m losing my will to try.
I’m sorry that I’m not strong enough to continue without falling.