Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “loneliness

Feelings (10/25/2016)

Pain

Despair

Loneliness

Hurt

Anger

Suffering

Nothing.

All these I feel.
All these I can’t get rid of.
All these feelings.

JUST GO AWAY!

I don’t want them.
I don’t want them at all.
I don’t want to feel them.

I don’t want to live to feel them.
They’re all I ever feel.
They’re all I have inside.

I’d rather die.
I’d rather die and be forgotten.
I’d rather not feel.

I don’t wish to live.
I never did.
I never wished to be born.

I never wished to feel these emotions.
I never wished for this.
I was forced into this.

AND I FUCKING HATE IT!

So damn much, I hate it.
I don’t wish to feel these anymore.
I don’t wish for life anymore.
I’d rather die than feel any sort of emotion ever again.

I can’t keep going on.
I can’t trick myself into thinking,
that my life has a purpose.
Because it doesn’t.

I can’t keep going on.
I can’t make myself think that,
anything I do will amount to anything.
Because it won’t.

I’ve tried to accomplish stuff.
I’ve tried my best.
But it was never enough.
Others always did that stuff better.

Everyone is always better than me.
Nothing I do matters.
Anything I try doesn’t amount to anything.

It fucking sucks.
It creates more of these feelings I have.
And it fucking sucks.

I never asked to have these feelings.
I never wanted them if they only brought me pain and suffering.

I don’t want them.
I don’t care for them.
I’d rather die than feel.


What Matters? (8/30/2014)

Because being myself is not good enough.

Because not being kind enough will build a lonely atmosphere around me.

Because acting on what I think will make me alone.

Why do I have to be a certain way to prevent loneliness?

I’m always alone, but why?

I try my hardest to not be alone.

I try my hardest to be well-liked.

Yet I am still alone.

Yet I still am well-disliked.

I can’t be the best that you want me to be.

I can’t be the kindest person to help whenever you ring that bell.

I can’t be the problem-less person so I’ll have more time for you.

I’ve given my time to help.

But you just push me away.

And when you really need me, I’m not there.

Just as how you weren’t ever there for me.

But yet I still end up as the bad guy.

I’m still the bad person.

I’m still the cold-hearted human being who has to act like I have no problems.

Well, fuck you.

I have problems of my own.

You’re not the only one with problems.

You’re not the only one who has to deal with difficult situations.

No, you’re not.

I have problems of my own to deal with.

Demons of my own to conquer.

Dreams to fulfill.

A life to go through.

Stop it with you’re petty acts of desperately calling for attention.

But yet…

Those acts get answered.

Those calls for “help” were answered.

What about mine?

What about my calls for help when I’m struggling to climb up the edge of the cliff?

HUH?!

Why weren’t mine answered?!?!

Oh yeah…

They didn’t matter.

They were only part of the being who gave up being kind to the people who didn’t care about her.

Those calls for help never mattered.

She didn’t matter.

I didn’t matter…


Aside

I’m okay being ignored and alone. I mean, in the end, we’re going to die alone, right?


Aside

I’d rather be alone than be ignored.


Quote

“There are thos…

“There are those in this world who like being left alone. But there isn’t a single person in this world who can bear being alone.”

This quote is from Makarov Dreyar in Fairy Tail.


Abandonment… (12/13/12)

We all felt it at least once before.
Others feel it more.
For others, it’s all they ever feel.
Always feeling alone.
No one ever there.
No one to even really care.
No one in their lives.
Always wondering why they have to be alive.
Always feeling like the source of all problems.
I don’t know about you, but I feel like that a lot.
It seems like no one cares.
I know people care…
But it feels like no one cares.
I’m not really a people person.
I honestly don’t like people a lot.
People make it seem like they don’t care.
And that they hate you.
I hate people for that.
Hell, I even hate myself for that reason.
I hate all of the abandonment in this world.
I wish it’d go away…
That way no one can really feel all alone.