Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “leave

I’m Ready… (6/29/2016)

I’m ready to leave.
No more goodbyes.
Just abruptly leave.
I’m ready to die.

I can’t love anymore.
I can’t stay alive.
I can’t feel anymore.
I want to die.

I want to leave
and forget the goodbyes.
I want to forget everything of my life.
I want to leave.

I don’t want to stay anymore.
I have no one.
They all gave up.
They all left.

I’m all alone.
I wish I could die right now.
But…
Those damn cats.

They’re the only thing I care about.
I don’t want anything to happen to them.
I would die right now…
If it weren’t for them.

I don’t care about anything,
except for them.
I’m throwing my life away.
I’m dying right now.

I’m not eating or drinking much anymore.
I’m losing the will to do anything.
I’ve almost lost it,
but…

Those fucking cats.
Storm, Thunder, Shadow…
Thunder, the baby to Storm.
And Shadow, the orphan kitty.

You fucking three are the only things stopping me.
Why do I worry about you????
If I didn’t care,
I’d die.

I’d get my lifelong wish.
I wouldn’t be here anymore.
I’m ready to fucking leave.
I’m ready to fucking die.
But I’m not ready
to let go of you three yet…

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I’m Not Happy (6/12/2016)

You say how happy you are,
But why are you happy?
Can’t you see?
I’m not happy.
I’m not happy to still be here.
I don’t want to exist.
I don’t want to be alive.
I’ve lived up to a point where I realized,
I can’t continue to live life.
I’ve been happy until recently.
Until everything crashed down on me.
I can’t handle everything anymore.
I don’t wish to exist anymore.
I wish I never existed.
I can’t continue to be here.
I don’t want to be here.
You said you were happy I lived.
You said you couldn’t believe I attempted it.
You didn’t believe that I would do something.
When I did, you decided to give up.
I didn’t want to live.
Especially not after failing the attempt.
No one wants to be around someone like me.
No one wants to hold onto someone
Who may let go entirely one day.
I’ve tried since getting out
To be happier.
To see the better side of life.
But once again…
It proves to me that I don’t belong.
I’m losing reasons to live
and gaining more reasons to die.
People keep leaving and I have no one.
I don’t have anyone to really want me here.
No one cares enough to help me.
No one cares enough to stay.
As I’ve said before, you’d leave,
Just like everyone else.
And as I predicted, you left.
I’m not happy living.
I’ve never been truly happy to live.
All these years to have passed,
I’ve never been happy.
I’m not happy to be alive.
So why do you want me to suffer so much?
Why do you want me to live when I’m not happy to be alive?
Why do you want me to stay
and continue to hurt
and suffer.
I’m not happy.
I want to leave.
I want to not be here any longer.


I Tried. (11/05/2014)

I sense it all the time.
The cold shoulder.
The “don’t look at her” expression.
The annoyance in your tone.
How you don’t want to be around me.
How you’re annoyed by me.
I sense it.
I know you don’t want to be around me.
I can feel your annoyed attitude from me.
I can tell that you don’t want to be around me.
I’m sorry, all right?
I got too attached to you and now I just…
*sighs*
I just wanted to be your friend.
‘Cause you’re cool.
And smart and amazing.
And chill to hang out with.
I wanted to consider you a friend, but now.
I know.
You don’t want to be friends.
You just want me to stop talking to you.
To just leave you alone.
To leave out of your life.
And never come back.
I thought you were my friend.
But you’re just like the rest of them.
Pretending to be friends with me, and for what?
To just get info out of me to blackmail me?
Fuck this shit.
I’m fucking tired of meeting new people.
I’m tired of them never wanting to be in my life.
Only to fucking use me.
I’m so fucking sick and tired of it.
I’m fucking tired of meeting people.
I’m tired of trusting people.
Because they always just fucking back stab me.
Or they just leave out of my life.
I’m so sick of it.
I tried…
I tried to be someone they could want in their life.
I was right.
I don’t belong anywhere.
I never have and never will.
My entire life and I never belonged anywhere.
Everywhere I went, there was always a reason.
A reason for why they don’t want me there.
I’m sorry.
I tried, I don’t know what else to do.
I tried to fit in.
I tried to find a place where I belong.
But who would want someone like me in their life?