Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “hurt

Feelings (10/25/2016)

Pain

Despair

Loneliness

Hurt

Anger

Suffering

Nothing.

All these I feel.
All these I can’t get rid of.
All these feelings.

JUST GO AWAY!

I don’t want them.
I don’t want them at all.
I don’t want to feel them.

I don’t want to live to feel them.
They’re all I ever feel.
They’re all I have inside.

I’d rather die.
I’d rather die and be forgotten.
I’d rather not feel.

I don’t wish to live.
I never did.
I never wished to be born.

I never wished to feel these emotions.
I never wished for this.
I was forced into this.

AND I FUCKING HATE IT!

So damn much, I hate it.
I don’t wish to feel these anymore.
I don’t wish for life anymore.
I’d rather die than feel any sort of emotion ever again.

I can’t keep going on.
I can’t trick myself into thinking,
that my life has a purpose.
Because it doesn’t.

I can’t keep going on.
I can’t make myself think that,
anything I do will amount to anything.
Because it won’t.

I’ve tried to accomplish stuff.
I’ve tried my best.
But it was never enough.
Others always did that stuff better.

Everyone is always better than me.
Nothing I do matters.
Anything I try doesn’t amount to anything.

It fucking sucks.
It creates more of these feelings I have.
And it fucking sucks.

I never asked to have these feelings.
I never wanted them if they only brought me pain and suffering.

I don’t want them.
I don’t care for them.
I’d rather die than feel.

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My World… (3/19/2015)

Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!
I can’t deal with this anymore.
All this stress is becoming too overwhelming.
It hurts so much.
I can’t eat, I literally cannot eat.
I am too stressed to eat.
I’m too stressed and upset.
I don’t know what to do now.
I think I already lost you.
Lost you to your friend.
That is like, one of my worst fears.
To lose you to another girl.
Or to just lose you in general.
I miss you.
I know I said that I wanted some alone time from you.
But it’s killing me.
I feel like I’m dying.
Or that I’ll do something that’ll result in me dying.
I haven’t had these thoughts in such a long time.
Thoughts of contemplating suicide.
I want to die.
Because it feels like I lost my world.
You are my world.
Well…
At least you were my world…
I thought you were my world.
It feels like you don’t care.
And that you want to just leave.
Or just don’t care to be with me.
It feels like you’d rather go and be with your friend.
And be in a relationship with her.
It hurts to think that.
It hurts to think of losing you.
But I can’t do anything to change your mind.
I can’t do anything to get you back.
As you said, you started losing trust in me.
And that it may be good to break up.
I don’t want to break up with you.
But I feel like I can’t change that.
That I can’t change the fact that you want to break up.
Even though I said I wanted to try to work things out…
You said you were trying, but I didn’t know.
Because I thought everything was fine.
I didn’t know you were upset.
I didn’t know there was a problem between us.
You just kept it from me.
I thought you were fine with what I did.
But you were lying.
You’re the liar.
You accusing me of lying…
YOU’RE THE ONE FUCKING LYING!!!
I’m not lying.
I never lied about saying “I Love You”.
I never did.
But you lied to me before.
So now I don’t know if I could trust you…
Because you lied to me.
I don’t even know how long you’ve been lying to me.
For all I know, you could be lying about saying that you love me.
You probably never did.
You probably never loved me…
I…
I don’t know what to do…
I’m just so hurt.
I’m so broken.
I feel so alone…
I don’t know if I could trust you anymore.
You lied to me before…
Maybe it would be best if we broke up…
You were my world…
You were the glue that held together my broken world…
You fixed my broken world…
But…
You WERE my world…


It Hurts (3/15/2015)

The pain is too much.
It’s almost unbearable.
I don’t want to lose you.
I don’t want to hurt you.
But yet I hurt you when I never thought that I did.
And I’m scared I’m about to lose you, too.
I’m nothing without you.
It feels like my life would be meaningless without you.
I don’t know what to do without you.
It hurts.
It hurts a lot.
To hear you say these things to me.
I know you don’t mean it.
And I know that you don’t want to hurt me.
But the words you’re saying to me is just too much.
It hurts a lot for you to say the things you said.
I’m so stressed.
I can’t eat or drink or even sleep well.
My chest hurts a lot and I feel like I’m about to puke.
I want to tell you how much I would want to die without you.
But I feel like it’d make you even more upset.
I don’t want to make you upset.
I don’t want to make things worse.
But that’s all it seems like I’m doing.
I want to make things better between us.
But, I’m just so useless.
I can’t be of help.
You said it, too.
I can’t help.
I want to help.
But I just cant.
Fuck, among all the stress I’m under, this is the worst of it all.
Hearing you say these things.
I don’t want to hear them, but how else would I know?
I’m so clueless.
I probably couldn’t put together a puzzle even if it came with the answers.
I really hate myself so much now.
I just make things worse.
I’m really trying to fix them.
But how am I supposed to fix something when I’m just the problem?


Ignore me all you want, but it will be you who will suffer in the end. Not me.


Please Save Me (8/31/12)

My heart is surrounded by a broken seal.
I am surrounded by love which was never real.
The inside of my body is shaking.
The outside of my body is breaking.
I am internally shutting off.
On the outside, I show nothing, not even a cough.
My heart is buried beneath a ton of lies.
Please save it now before it dies.
I cannot breathe.
Maybe it’s my time to leave.
But before I get off this empty stage.
I’ll show you my side which is full of rage.
Full of rage, full of loneliness, full of hurt.
From all of the times in which I was treated like dirt.
Can you help me at all?
Can you hear my calls?
The one’s that seem like it’s nothing but silence.
All of the calls caused by violence.
The one’s that say nothing but screams.
One’s that can’t even be heard in dreams.
These screams are full of pain.
Screams caused by my tears that flow like rain.
But please save me from Death.
Before I take my final breath.


Quote

“This isn’t a p…

“This isn’t a perfect world. People do get hurt. You smile when you feel like crying. You act like you’re okay, when you’re falling apart inside. And you try to let go, you try to move on, because you know there’s nothing else you could do.”

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