Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “happiness

True Happiness (01/28/2017)

I’ve done it before.
I’ve attempted it before.
I tried to end my life before.
And during that time…

Was when I felt the most happiest.

I wish to feel that happiness again.
Even though I couldn’t feel anything.
The thought that went through my head,
“I can finally leave. I can finally escape.
I can finally end it all.”
Made me feel something I haven’t felt before.

True happiness.

I’m craving it again.
I want that true happiness.
I want to attempt it again.

Because that’s how I’ll be able to feel it again.

Yeah, I care about the people around me.
I know if I actually did attempt,
they would be upset.
But at the same time…

That’s selfish of them.

To want me to stay when I only suffer.
No way to express myself.
Nothing to help me.

Except death.

I can only truly feel happy
when I finally pass on.

I crave the feeling to slip away.
I crave the feeling to know that
I’m about to die.

I only felt true happiness when that happened.

Besides…

What is there in life for me?

A family?
I don’t want it.

A successful job?
I don’t care.

Spending my life with my SO?
I don’t know.

Nothing seems worth it anymore.
No one cares except two people.
So why not go?

I’d only disappoint two people anyway.

I wouldn’t make too many people sad.
I wouldn’t have to make many people worry.
I wouldn’t have to have many people mourn me.

So what’s stopping me?

From reaching my true happiness?

Perhaps fear.
Maybe a wrong sense of time.
Possibly not enough materials.

Something’s stopping me.

I can’t leave things go unfinished.
Maybe that’s why.
I have to finish what’s left for me.
It isn’t much anyway.

Maybe it could be complete soon.
Who knows?

I don’t want to keep my true happiness waiting.
I want to feel it again.

I want to feel truly happy again.


Life Transfers (9/8/2016)

I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to stay alive.
But I’m scared to try to die.
In case of failure.

I’d gladly trade the rest of my life
for someone who’s close to dying.
So they could get a chance to live
and not feel robbed.

If I could,
I WOULD

I don’t have potential.
I don’t have anything worth living for.

Why waste it on me?
Why not give it to a child dying right now?
Why not?
They could have potential.

I don’t.
I don’t have anything to look forward to.
I don’t have a promising career in mind.
Or a want to start a family.

I don’t care about any of that.
I don’t care about happiness or joy.
I don’t care about wealth or a spectacular job.
I don’t care about having a future family either.

I don’t want any of that.
There’s no point.
I obsess over death.
I know I do.

I’ve been told that I do.
I obsess over death too much according to some.
But that’s because
that’s all I ever wanted in the end.

I crave death.
I crave for the feeling for my heart to stop beating.
I crave for the day that my body goes limp
from lack of blood flow from my heart.

I live for the day that I stop breathing.
I don’t care if death would only be darkness.
I don’t care if it would only be forgetting my entire life.
I don’t care about any of that.

If I could, I would transfer whatever life I had left
to someone dying right now.
I don’t need it. I don’t want it.
But someone else does.


I Love You (9/29/14)

I feel like I’m walking on air.
Floating above the clouds.
Being with you makes me really happy.
Like, happier than having a puppy.
Though having a puppy is nice.
But being with you makes me super happy.
I can’t even express how happy I am.
Your being near mine.
I feel more relaxed.
I feel better.
More secure.
The feeling of your body next to mine.
As we would cuddle.
Your fingers entwined in mine.
Everything just feels like bliss.
Please don’t ever leave my side.
Else the gloomy cloud will once again return.
When you’re around, the cloud disappears.
The sun shines on my day.
No rain to kill my mood.
So please don’t leave my side.
You make me happy and you’re so sweet.
I love you so much.
Your love for me is so amazing.
I just want you to know how much I love you.