Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “dying

Life Transfers (9/8/2016)

I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to stay alive.
But I’m scared to try to die.
In case of failure.

I’d gladly trade the rest of my life
for someone who’s close to dying.
So they could get a chance to live
and not feel robbed.

If I could,
I WOULD

I don’t have potential.
I don’t have anything worth living for.

Why waste it on me?
Why not give it to a child dying right now?
Why not?
They could have potential.

I don’t.
I don’t have anything to look forward to.
I don’t have a promising career in mind.
Or a want to start a family.

I don’t care about any of that.
I don’t care about happiness or joy.
I don’t care about wealth or a spectacular job.
I don’t care about having a future family either.

I don’t want any of that.
There’s no point.
I obsess over death.
I know I do.

I’ve been told that I do.
I obsess over death too much according to some.
But that’s because
that’s all I ever wanted in the end.

I crave death.
I crave for the feeling for my heart to stop beating.
I crave for the day that my body goes limp
from lack of blood flow from my heart.

I live for the day that I stop breathing.
I don’t care if death would only be darkness.
I don’t care if it would only be forgetting my entire life.
I don’t care about any of that.

If I could, I would transfer whatever life I had left
to someone dying right now.
I don’t need it. I don’t want it.
But someone else does.


Let Me Help (9/17/2014)

Sickness fills my stomach.
No longer are they butterflies.
But disgusting sickness.
How can I be of help to you?
I can’t help.
It causes sickness in my stomach.
Please let me help.
The sickness is corroding my entire being.
I can’t keep up.
My body can’t rid the sickness any longer.
The butterflies died and are corrupting my being.
I can’t hold it in.
The sickness is traveling throughout my body.
Why can’t I rid this filthy pest?
Why can’t I get rid of this sickness?
This feeling of being worried?
Please, let me help you.
Let me aid you and help you not feel this way.
I can’t feel better knowing that you aren’t well.
I can’t just hope that you’ll feel better.
Because I know how hard it is to face this by one’s self.
Please let me help you.
Please help me get rid of this sickness.
Please…
I’m deathly worried about you.
I want to help you feel better.
I can’t help you feel better if you won’t let me.
The butterflies you gave me are dying.
Because they are so worried.
I’m so worried, please.
Please let me help.
The tears are rushing down my face.
I’m so pathetic.
I can’t help.
My tears won’t stop because I can’t be of any help.
My mind is racing and the tears are falling.
I can’t get what I’m trying to say written down.
But writing is all I can do to open my heart.
My heart is blocked.
My mind is shut down.
I can’t think straight.
The only thing I can think of is helping you.
I can’t stop thinking of what if…
What if you just off-ed yourself right now.
I don’t know how I could get over you.
What if I didn’t try hard enough to help?
I want to help so badly.
I can’t think straight.
I can only think of helping you.
Please let me help you.
Please, just let me help you get through this.
I don’t want you dying over a temporary problem.
I don’t like knowing I can’t be of any help.
I know I’m not of much help.
But I try to be.
I try to be of help.
But I can’t ever be of good help.
I want to help.
So please let me help you.
Please…
Let me at least try…


Aside

I’m okay being ignored and alone. I mean, in the end, we’re going to die alone, right?


My Days… (9/4/2013)

Back to school I go.
My appearance is just for show.
Starving, day by day.
Nothing left to say.
Struggling from day one.
Nothing is just for fun.
Hearts fill my page.
I doubt it’s from rage.
But now they are broken hearts.
To represent how mine was torn apart.
Mine is now stitched together.
The stitches won’t stay there forever.
My mind is invaded by stress.
Why am I such a mess?
Living behind a complete lie.
Wishing that I could just die.
But again, there is something keeping me here.
The something helps rid my mind of fear.
I wonder how long he could keep my fear away.
Before it slowly destroys my soul one day.


Quote

“You don’t die …

“You don’t die for your friends, you live for them.”

This quote is from Erza Scarlet in Fairy Tail.