Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “depressed

Nostalgia (12/2/2016)

Nostalgia

Sickness

Sadness

I dream of you still.
I dream you want me back.
That you’re sad.
That you are depressed without me.

Every time I wake up from them,
and several days thereafter,
I feel sick.

Ill

Those butterflies that once lived
in my stomach.

Dead

And the corpses remain.

Decomposing

Rotting

Upsetting my stomach and wanting out.

Weighing down on my mentality.

You’re still there.

You’re still haunting me.

I don’t want you there.

You make me sick.

You legit make me want to puke.

I dream you want me back.

But I don’t want you back.

You hurt me.
Ever since that last late spring,
you hurt me.

The physical illness isn’t the worst part.

It was confiding in you.

It was trusting you.

It was putting all my faith in someone,
hoping they weren’t the same as the others.

And watching it all happen

All over again

It was hearing you say
that you “didn’t care

You were tired of me.
You were tired of almost everything I am.

It was hearing the fact that

I’m not worth talking to when

I’m not happy
I’m upset

Sad

Depressed

Lost in a black abyss

Trapped in the dark

I still remember it.

I remember all those words

Those that which broke me down

Those that shut me back in.
Those that meant,

I should not open up.
I should not trust people.
I should not explain how I feel to anyone.
That I should never have done that in the first place.

And when I think back to our good memories.
It makes me sick.

Ill

Gross

When I get nostalgic,
it destroys me a little bit
at a time.

And it breaks me down
when it’s about you.

Because it reminds me

that I never should have trusted you.

I never should have confided in you.

I never should have put faith in you.

When I get nostalgic,

it reminds me that you destroyed

the weak side of me

after helping build it up.

 

When I get nostalgic,

it reminds me that

I never should have fell for you

as hard as I did.

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Boring (8/16/2016)

Several years have passed.
All what you said was true.
I’m nothing special.
I’m nothing worth fighting for.

I’m not exciting or fun.
I’m not always happy.
I’m not always doing much.
I enjoy not doing a lot of things.

But…
I am boring.
No one likes being around me.
For that very reason.

No one likes being around
someone who doesn’t do much.
I’m not daring.
I’m not risky.

I’m just…
Boring
I’m a freak.
I’m a disaster.

I’m bad luck.
I’m a walking disaster for crying out loud.
I’m not a good person.
I only screw things up.

I’m just a depressed, self conscious, boring person.
I’m not interesting.
I’m not amazing or spectacular or awesome.
I’ll never be that.

I never have been.


I’m Not Happy (6/12/2016)

You say how happy you are,
But why are you happy?
Can’t you see?
I’m not happy.
I’m not happy to still be here.
I don’t want to exist.
I don’t want to be alive.
I’ve lived up to a point where I realized,
I can’t continue to live life.
I’ve been happy until recently.
Until everything crashed down on me.
I can’t handle everything anymore.
I don’t wish to exist anymore.
I wish I never existed.
I can’t continue to be here.
I don’t want to be here.
You said you were happy I lived.
You said you couldn’t believe I attempted it.
You didn’t believe that I would do something.
When I did, you decided to give up.
I didn’t want to live.
Especially not after failing the attempt.
No one wants to be around someone like me.
No one wants to hold onto someone
Who may let go entirely one day.
I’ve tried since getting out
To be happier.
To see the better side of life.
But once again…
It proves to me that I don’t belong.
I’m losing reasons to live
and gaining more reasons to die.
People keep leaving and I have no one.
I don’t have anyone to really want me here.
No one cares enough to help me.
No one cares enough to stay.
As I’ve said before, you’d leave,
Just like everyone else.
And as I predicted, you left.
I’m not happy living.
I’ve never been truly happy to live.
All these years to have passed,
I’ve never been happy.
I’m not happy to be alive.
So why do you want me to suffer so much?
Why do you want me to live when I’m not happy to be alive?
Why do you want me to stay
and continue to hurt
and suffer.
I’m not happy.
I want to leave.
I want to not be here any longer.


No One There (5/27/2015)

As I stand here alongside this wretched sea.
Watching as my inner self is no longer free.
Trapped and bounded by these chains.
As it continues to pour and rain.
Deep inside my darkened soul.
Broken beyond all control.
Staring at my lost face.
As it is trapped in this darkened place.
Buried beneath these horrible thoughts.
Wondering why whenever I fought.
It did not help me at all.
No one answered my calls.
I cried and cried, but no one was there.
No one ever cared.
I’m trapped in this darkness and I cannot get away.
Trapped beyond this challenging dismay.
I’m all alone with no one there.
Why does no one care?
I’m not ever good enough for anything.
Why is this the only thing my luck brings.
I’m so tired of being left alone.
What have I ever known?
About being loved by someone.
But no, they were instead done.
Of dealing with someone like me.
Because I eventually turned out to be.
Someone they didn’t like at all.
Because of all of my downfalls.
I’m so tired of all this pain.
And the heaviness of this rain.
That pours upon my broken heart.
That everyone seems to tear apart.
I just want to get away.
From all of these depressing days.