Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “death

True Happiness (01/28/2017)

I’ve done it before.
I’ve attempted it before.
I tried to end my life before.
And during that time…

Was when I felt the most happiest.

I wish to feel that happiness again.
Even though I couldn’t feel anything.
The thought that went through my head,
“I can finally leave. I can finally escape.
I can finally end it all.”
Made me feel something I haven’t felt before.

True happiness.

I’m craving it again.
I want that true happiness.
I want to attempt it again.

Because that’s how I’ll be able to feel it again.

Yeah, I care about the people around me.
I know if I actually did attempt,
they would be upset.
But at the same time…

That’s selfish of them.

To want me to stay when I only suffer.
No way to express myself.
Nothing to help me.

Except death.

I can only truly feel happy
when I finally pass on.

I crave the feeling to slip away.
I crave the feeling to know that
I’m about to die.

I only felt true happiness when that happened.

Besides…

What is there in life for me?

A family?
I don’t want it.

A successful job?
I don’t care.

Spending my life with my SO?
I don’t know.

Nothing seems worth it anymore.
No one cares except two people.
So why not go?

I’d only disappoint two people anyway.

I wouldn’t make too many people sad.
I wouldn’t have to make many people worry.
I wouldn’t have to have many people mourn me.

So what’s stopping me?

From reaching my true happiness?

Perhaps fear.
Maybe a wrong sense of time.
Possibly not enough materials.

Something’s stopping me.

I can’t leave things go unfinished.
Maybe that’s why.
I have to finish what’s left for me.
It isn’t much anyway.

Maybe it could be complete soon.
Who knows?

I don’t want to keep my true happiness waiting.
I want to feel it again.

I want to feel truly happy again.

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Life Transfers (9/8/2016)

I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to stay alive.
But I’m scared to try to die.
In case of failure.

I’d gladly trade the rest of my life
for someone who’s close to dying.
So they could get a chance to live
and not feel robbed.

If I could,
I WOULD

I don’t have potential.
I don’t have anything worth living for.

Why waste it on me?
Why not give it to a child dying right now?
Why not?
They could have potential.

I don’t.
I don’t have anything to look forward to.
I don’t have a promising career in mind.
Or a want to start a family.

I don’t care about any of that.
I don’t care about happiness or joy.
I don’t care about wealth or a spectacular job.
I don’t care about having a future family either.

I don’t want any of that.
There’s no point.
I obsess over death.
I know I do.

I’ve been told that I do.
I obsess over death too much according to some.
But that’s because
that’s all I ever wanted in the end.

I crave death.
I crave for the feeling for my heart to stop beating.
I crave for the day that my body goes limp
from lack of blood flow from my heart.

I live for the day that I stop breathing.
I don’t care if death would only be darkness.
I don’t care if it would only be forgetting my entire life.
I don’t care about any of that.

If I could, I would transfer whatever life I had left
to someone dying right now.
I don’t need it. I don’t want it.
But someone else does.


I’m Ready… (6/29/2016)

I’m ready to leave.
No more goodbyes.
Just abruptly leave.
I’m ready to die.

I can’t love anymore.
I can’t stay alive.
I can’t feel anymore.
I want to die.

I want to leave
and forget the goodbyes.
I want to forget everything of my life.
I want to leave.

I don’t want to stay anymore.
I have no one.
They all gave up.
They all left.

I’m all alone.
I wish I could die right now.
But…
Those damn cats.

They’re the only thing I care about.
I don’t want anything to happen to them.
I would die right now…
If it weren’t for them.

I don’t care about anything,
except for them.
I’m throwing my life away.
I’m dying right now.

I’m not eating or drinking much anymore.
I’m losing the will to do anything.
I’ve almost lost it,
but…

Those fucking cats.
Storm, Thunder, Shadow…
Thunder, the baby to Storm.
And Shadow, the orphan kitty.

You fucking three are the only things stopping me.
Why do I worry about you????
If I didn’t care,
I’d die.

I’d get my lifelong wish.
I wouldn’t be here anymore.
I’m ready to fucking leave.
I’m ready to fucking die.
But I’m not ready
to let go of you three yet…


I’m Not Happy (6/12/2016)

You say how happy you are,
But why are you happy?
Can’t you see?
I’m not happy.
I’m not happy to still be here.
I don’t want to exist.
I don’t want to be alive.
I’ve lived up to a point where I realized,
I can’t continue to live life.
I’ve been happy until recently.
Until everything crashed down on me.
I can’t handle everything anymore.
I don’t wish to exist anymore.
I wish I never existed.
I can’t continue to be here.
I don’t want to be here.
You said you were happy I lived.
You said you couldn’t believe I attempted it.
You didn’t believe that I would do something.
When I did, you decided to give up.
I didn’t want to live.
Especially not after failing the attempt.
No one wants to be around someone like me.
No one wants to hold onto someone
Who may let go entirely one day.
I’ve tried since getting out
To be happier.
To see the better side of life.
But once again…
It proves to me that I don’t belong.
I’m losing reasons to live
and gaining more reasons to die.
People keep leaving and I have no one.
I don’t have anyone to really want me here.
No one cares enough to help me.
No one cares enough to stay.
As I’ve said before, you’d leave,
Just like everyone else.
And as I predicted, you left.
I’m not happy living.
I’ve never been truly happy to live.
All these years to have passed,
I’ve never been happy.
I’m not happy to be alive.
So why do you want me to suffer so much?
Why do you want me to live when I’m not happy to be alive?
Why do you want me to stay
and continue to hurt
and suffer.
I’m not happy.
I want to leave.
I want to not be here any longer.


What If? (9/27/2014)

What if I just maybe, sort of, accidentally, kind of killed myself?
You know, by accident.
Not on purpose.
What if I did.
Like how I’m laying here, typing this up while eating Little Bites muffins.
The mini blueberry kind with a soft texture.
And I just choke on them.
And I choke and gasp for breath and just die because no one was around to save me.
Hours later my grandparents would find me here.
Laptop on my lap, this up on the screen, not even finished.
This poem on the screen, I mean.
Or how I could be so tired if I’m walking home from somewhere.
There’s a busy street I have to pass.
I eventually reach the street, but I’m awfully exhausted.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
What if I just walked through the street, thinking no cars were coming by, but there were?
I’m in the middle of the street, sleep on my mind.
And BAM!
The bumper of the car hits me.
Pushing me to hit the windshield and over the car to roll off onto the ground.
Unable to move.
Wondering what happened.
Thinking, “Damn, I’m so tired… I’m hurting but I feel numb.”
“I know I’m laying down, but what happened?”
“Dammit, I’m too tired to think.”
“I just want to sleep.”
“Maybe I can finally sleep.”
And my eyes slowly close, never to wake again.
What if I accidentally killed myself?
Not thinking about it but knowing suicide takes over my mind.
I’m not intending to kill myself.
But my mind sort of blocks the fact that I am going to.
And I actually do.
Would people still love me had I died from unconsciously thinking of suicide?
Would they still have cared about me if I died by accidental suicide?
Or, what if…
I go to a party with other young adults.
There’s alcohol served and I’m feeling thirsty.
I take a swig, and it feels like I don’t necessarily have to think about much.
I feel addicted.
I want to drink more of it, so I do.
Later that night I get a mind blowing headache.
My head hurts so much that I can’t think much.
Somehow I make it home and I find the pain killers.
Normally I would know not to take them while drunk.
But with this headache, I’ll do anything.
I take what I thought was a couple of pills.
But in reality, it was a handful.
I didn’t think it was a handful, but couldn’t think straight.
So I passed out.
I slowly open my eyes and I’m in a hospital.
I’m somehow alive after heavy drinking and overdosing.
Tubes and needles are connected to me.
I’m scared.
What the hell just happened?
Why am I here??
Where is everyone?!
I start to freak out in which a nurse comes to calm me down.
I’m so scared, I don’t know what happened.
What day is it?
Where is everyone?
Tears fill my eyes.
“What the hell did I do?” I say to myself.
A few minutes, he comes there.
My lover, my boyfriend, my best friend.
He’s standing in the doorway.
It’s hard to make out his expression from the drugs I’m under that the hospital gave me.
I get scared because he knows that I have suicidal thoughts.
What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because he thinks what I did was a way to kill myself?
I don’t know what to do.
I just end up crying even harder.
He comes over and hugs me.
I just don’t know how to feel, but I feel better in his arms.
Though, if this did really happen, would he still love me?
If I accidentally tried to commit suicide and fail, would anyone still love me?
None of this ever happened to me, but what if it did?
Would people still think the same of me before something like that happens?
Or would they just not want to be around me if I were to accidentally do something like that?
What if I accidentally committed suicide?


Aside

I’m okay being ignored and alone. I mean, in the end, we’re going to die alone, right?


My Days… (9/4/2013)

Back to school I go.
My appearance is just for show.
Starving, day by day.
Nothing left to say.
Struggling from day one.
Nothing is just for fun.
Hearts fill my page.
I doubt it’s from rage.
But now they are broken hearts.
To represent how mine was torn apart.
Mine is now stitched together.
The stitches won’t stay there forever.
My mind is invaded by stress.
Why am I such a mess?
Living behind a complete lie.
Wishing that I could just die.
But again, there is something keeping me here.
The something helps rid my mind of fear.
I wonder how long he could keep my fear away.
Before it slowly destroys my soul one day.