Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Posts tagged “break up

Nostalgia (12/2/2016)

Nostalgia

Sickness

Sadness

I dream of you still.
I dream you want me back.
That you’re sad.
That you are depressed without me.

Every time I wake up from them,
and several days thereafter,
I feel sick.

Ill

Those butterflies that once lived
in my stomach.

Dead

And the corpses remain.

Decomposing

Rotting

Upsetting my stomach and wanting out.

Weighing down on my mentality.

You’re still there.

You’re still haunting me.

I don’t want you there.

You make me sick.

You legit make me want to puke.

I dream you want me back.

But I don’t want you back.

You hurt me.
Ever since that last late spring,
you hurt me.

The physical illness isn’t the worst part.

It was confiding in you.

It was trusting you.

It was putting all my faith in someone,
hoping they weren’t the same as the others.

And watching it all happen

All over again

It was hearing you say
that you “didn’t care

You were tired of me.
You were tired of almost everything I am.

It was hearing the fact that

I’m not worth talking to when

I’m not happy
I’m upset

Sad

Depressed

Lost in a black abyss

Trapped in the dark

I still remember it.

I remember all those words

Those that which broke me down

Those that shut me back in.
Those that meant,

I should not open up.
I should not trust people.
I should not explain how I feel to anyone.
That I should never have done that in the first place.

And when I think back to our good memories.
It makes me sick.

Ill

Gross

When I get nostalgic,
it destroys me a little bit
at a time.

And it breaks me down
when it’s about you.

Because it reminds me

that I never should have trusted you.

I never should have confided in you.

I never should have put faith in you.

When I get nostalgic,

it reminds me that you destroyed

the weak side of me

after helping build it up.

 

When I get nostalgic,

it reminds me that

I never should have fell for you

as hard as I did.

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My World… (3/19/2015)

Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!
I can’t deal with this anymore.
All this stress is becoming too overwhelming.
It hurts so much.
I can’t eat, I literally cannot eat.
I am too stressed to eat.
I’m too stressed and upset.
I don’t know what to do now.
I think I already lost you.
Lost you to your friend.
That is like, one of my worst fears.
To lose you to another girl.
Or to just lose you in general.
I miss you.
I know I said that I wanted some alone time from you.
But it’s killing me.
I feel like I’m dying.
Or that I’ll do something that’ll result in me dying.
I haven’t had these thoughts in such a long time.
Thoughts of contemplating suicide.
I want to die.
Because it feels like I lost my world.
You are my world.
Well…
At least you were my world…
I thought you were my world.
It feels like you don’t care.
And that you want to just leave.
Or just don’t care to be with me.
It feels like you’d rather go and be with your friend.
And be in a relationship with her.
It hurts to think that.
It hurts to think of losing you.
But I can’t do anything to change your mind.
I can’t do anything to get you back.
As you said, you started losing trust in me.
And that it may be good to break up.
I don’t want to break up with you.
But I feel like I can’t change that.
That I can’t change the fact that you want to break up.
Even though I said I wanted to try to work things out…
You said you were trying, but I didn’t know.
Because I thought everything was fine.
I didn’t know you were upset.
I didn’t know there was a problem between us.
You just kept it from me.
I thought you were fine with what I did.
But you were lying.
You’re the liar.
You accusing me of lying…
YOU’RE THE ONE FUCKING LYING!!!
I’m not lying.
I never lied about saying “I Love You”.
I never did.
But you lied to me before.
So now I don’t know if I could trust you…
Because you lied to me.
I don’t even know how long you’ve been lying to me.
For all I know, you could be lying about saying that you love me.
You probably never did.
You probably never loved me…
I…
I don’t know what to do…
I’m just so hurt.
I’m so broken.
I feel so alone…
I don’t know if I could trust you anymore.
You lied to me before…
Maybe it would be best if we broke up…
You were my world…
You were the glue that held together my broken world…
You fixed my broken world…
But…
You WERE my world…