Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Latest

Alone (3/17/2016)

Bounded by chains,
trapped beneath it all.
No one to save me
no one to help.

Bounded by lies,
trapped beneath the pain.
No one will save me
no one will ever help.

I’m alone in my head,
I’m by myself.
I can’t rely on anyone
I won’t rely on anyone.

I’m alone with my demons,
trapped and hurting.
No one will come
No one will save me from myself.

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Trapped (2/10/2016)

Down with the wind,
And out with the stars.
All gone without a trace.
But now they are so far.
So far away.
Gone forever with no return.
No way to get back.
Lost in darkness,
Scared with fear.
Forever trapped
With no escape.
Gone forever,
No escape.
How lonely.

My Nightmares (1/7/2016)

One day, I feel happy.
The next, I feel sad.
I don’t know why.
My nightmares become more intense.
I dreamt of my love about to be murdered.
I begged the murderer not to kill him.
I begged and pleaded him not to kill him.
But instead…
He turned me toward my love…
And went to kill him…
But before that happened…
I woke up.
I couldn’t cry.
I couldn’t cry at all.
Not a single tear.
I tried so much but I couldn’t.
The next night, I had a nightmare as well.
I dreamt that no one would help me.
And that I just wanted to kill myself.
I wanted to go to a very high place and just jump off.
I went to a tall place and looked down.
I got dizzy a bit but I still wanted to jump.
I didn’t feel scared really at all.
I felt comfortable with the idea.
It scared me so much to actually feel comfortable with that idea.
I was so scared when I woke up.
But before I woke up..
I was standing on the edge of a tall place about to jump.
Before I could jump or do anything,
I woke up.
I couldn’t cry again.
I felt incredibly sad and I couldn’t cry.
But later, I got a pet fish.
He’s a betta and his name is Moonlight.
He’s such a beauty.
When I saw him, I could barely contain how happy I was.
I was trying hard to hold back from crying.
But I never cried before.
Not cry tears of happiness I mean.
It was weird.
I felt so happy from Moonlight that I was gonna cry.
But I couldn’t cry from my nightmares.
They scared me so much and made me so sad.
But I couldn’t cry…
I don’t know why I feel this way.

Lonely Wolf (5/28/2015)

Running through this brightened snow.
Hiding in a place where no one knows.
Beneath the freezing cold.
Where his mind can no longer hold.
The thoughts of being alone.
Even though he should have known.
That no one wanted to be around him.
Because of how he is so grim.
No one wanted to be around.
Because of how he sometimes sounds.
No love from his parents or friends.
But most of those relationships already came to an end.
He wanted to know how love feels.
Is it the same after feasting on a delicious meal?
Or like feeling the warmth of a cave?
But no one would love how he behaves.
So he wandered the snowy fields.
Leaving his true self to never be revealed.
Hoping to find a better life to live.
He hopes to be able to forgive.
Those who betrayed him.
But his feelings are filling to the brim.
He cannot contain them any longer.
He howls to the sky and wishes he were stronger.
Upon howling he soon discovers something strange.
But is yet out of range.
He stares at in disbelief.
But he feels that his grief.
Slowly disappears into thin air.
While light shines on what is there.
He stares at the light colored moon.
He stares for hours until it has left so soon.
Sadness immediately fills his heart.
This feeling is tearing him apart.
He cannot let his love get away.
So he chases the moon as he is full of dismay.
Wondering why it left so suddenly.
When it gave off a feeling so lovingly.
He tried but could not win.
He stopped running and gave in.
No one wanted to be around him.
Sadness came back even more grim.
He wishes he could be more than only,
Just a wolf that is so lonely.

No One There (5/27/2015)

As I stand here alongside this wretched sea.
Watching as my inner self is no longer free.
Trapped and bounded by these chains.
As it continues to pour and rain.
Deep inside my darkened soul.
Broken beyond all control.
Staring at my lost face.
As it is trapped in this darkened place.
Buried beneath these horrible thoughts.
Wondering why whenever I fought.
It did not help me at all.
No one answered my calls.
I cried and cried, but no one was there.
No one ever cared.
I’m trapped in this darkness and I cannot get away.
Trapped beyond this challenging dismay.
I’m all alone with no one there.
Why does no one care?
I’m not ever good enough for anything.
Why is this the only thing my luck brings.
I’m so tired of being left alone.
What have I ever known?
About being loved by someone.
But no, they were instead done.
Of dealing with someone like me.
Because I eventually turned out to be.
Someone they didn’t like at all.
Because of all of my downfalls.
I’m so tired of all this pain.
And the heaviness of this rain.
That pours upon my broken heart.
That everyone seems to tear apart.
I just want to get away.
From all of these depressing days.

Venting Thoughts (4/3/2015)

So I feel really bad. I feel completely terrible. I’ve been facing some problems lately. And they have been making me upset. I’ve been trying to ignore them, but it’s hard to. Because of this, I forgot all about one of my close friend’s birthday. I feel really bad and upset cause I forgot about his birthday. I started crying because I was so caught up in my problems that I forgot about his birthday. And it made me even more upset cause I forgot about his birthday. I haven’t told him why I forgot because I don’t want him to think I’m just making up excuses. I just feel really, really bad. I feel like I made him upset, too. I don’t really expect any replies to this. I was just wanting to vent somewhere.

Broken Heart (3/24/2015)

Broken as this dreadful reality.
Lost in this indecent formality.
Broken and lost at this sea.
Wondering how to find “me”.
Hard to continue a life like this.
Surely I won’t be missed.
Carrying the weight of a broken heart.
Drowning in darkness as it tears me apart.
Suffering in this cruel silence.
Wondering how I could have been so dense.
My love wasn’t good enough.
I thought what you said was a bluff.
I didn’t know that you would want to leave.
Now you just left me to grieve.
I’m so broken as this shattered mirror.
The foggy glass has never been so clearer.
For once, I can now see.
What you turned out to be.
You said you started to care less.
Your lies had just made this all a mess.
You said you love me, but do you really?
I honestly love you, dearly.
But it’s hard to continue on.
Knowing that now you’re gone.
I may know why you left me.
Maybe to be with the friend you like and see.
But my broken heart never mattered.
Since you made it shatter.
You do not seem to care.
Why are you not so fair?
You lied to me before.
Before you walked out the door.
Wallowing around in my own pity.
This week was so shitty.
Bad thoughts have come back to haunt me.
Why won’t they just leave me be?!
Going on and on through this pain.
Above me lies this menacing rain.
Pouring and pouring and never going away.
Honestly, I do not want to stay.
I want to go far away from here.
I feel you do not want me near.
I feel like you want me gone.
It’s been so long.
Since I felt this way.
My thoughts have gone into a forbidden place.
The tears won’t stop falling onto my face.
Right now I want to die.
So I won’t have to continue this lie.