Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.


I’m Not Happy (6/12/2016)

You say how happy you are,
But why are you happy?
Can’t you see?
I’m not happy.
I’m not happy to still be here.
I don’t want to exist.
I don’t want to be alive.
I’ve lived up to a point where I realized,
I can’t continue to live life.
I’ve been happy until recently.
Until everything crashed down on me.
I can’t handle everything anymore.
I don’t wish to exist anymore.
I wish I never existed.
I can’t continue to be here.
I don’t want to be here.
You said you were happy I lived.
You said you couldn’t believe I attempted it.
You didn’t believe that I would do something.
When I did, you decided to give up.
I didn’t want to live.
Especially not after failing the attempt.
No one wants to be around someone like me.
No one wants to hold onto someone
Who may let go entirely one day.
I’ve tried since getting out
To be happier.
To see the better side of life.
But once again…
It proves to me that I don’t belong.
I’m losing reasons to live
and gaining more reasons to die.
People keep leaving and I have no one.
I don’t have anyone to really want me here.
No one cares enough to help me.
No one cares enough to stay.
As I’ve said before, you’d leave,
Just like everyone else.
And as I predicted, you left.
I’m not happy living.
I’ve never been truly happy to live.
All these years to have passed,
I’ve never been happy.
I’m not happy to be alive.
So why do you want me to suffer so much?
Why do you want me to live when I’m not happy to be alive?
Why do you want me to stay
and continue to hurt
and suffer.
I’m not happy.
I want to leave.
I want to not be here any longer.


Alone (3/17/2016)

Bounded by chains,
trapped beneath it all.
No one to save me
no one to help.

Bounded by lies,
trapped beneath the pain.
No one will save me
no one will ever help.

I’m alone in my head,
I’m by myself.
I can’t rely on anyone
I won’t rely on anyone.

I’m alone with my demons,
trapped and hurting.
No one will come
No one will save me from myself.

Trapped (2/10/2016)

Down with the wind,
And out with the stars.
All gone without a trace.
But now they are so far.
So far away.
Gone forever with no return.
No way to get back.
Lost in darkness,
Scared with fear.
Forever trapped
With no escape.
Gone forever,
No escape.
How lonely.

My Nightmares (1/7/2016)

One day, I feel happy.
The next, I feel sad.
I don’t know why.
My nightmares become more intense.
I dreamt of my love about to be murdered.
I begged the murderer not to kill him.
I begged and pleaded him not to kill him.
But instead…
He turned me toward my love…
And went to kill him…
But before that happened…
I woke up.
I couldn’t cry.
I couldn’t cry at all.
Not a single tear.
I tried so much but I couldn’t.
The next night, I had a nightmare as well.
I dreamt that no one would help me.
And that I just wanted to kill myself.
I wanted to go to a very high place and just jump off.
I went to a tall place and looked down.
I got dizzy a bit but I still wanted to jump.
I didn’t feel scared really at all.
I felt comfortable with the idea.
It scared me so much to actually feel comfortable with that idea.
I was so scared when I woke up.
But before I woke up..
I was standing on the edge of a tall place about to jump.
Before I could jump or do anything,
I woke up.
I couldn’t cry again.
I felt incredibly sad and I couldn’t cry.
But later, I got a pet fish.
He’s a betta and his name is Moonlight.
He’s such a beauty.
When I saw him, I could barely contain how happy I was.
I was trying hard to hold back from crying.
But I never cried before.
Not cry tears of happiness I mean.
It was weird.
I felt so happy from Moonlight that I was gonna cry.
But I couldn’t cry from my nightmares.
They scared me so much and made me so sad.
But I couldn’t cry…
I don’t know why I feel this way.

Lonely Wolf (5/28/2015)

Running through this brightened snow.
Hiding in a place where no one knows.
Beneath the freezing cold.
Where his mind can no longer hold.
The thoughts of being alone.
Even though he should have known.
That no one wanted to be around him.
Because of how he is so grim.
No one wanted to be around.
Because of how he sometimes sounds.
No love from his parents or friends.
But most of those relationships already came to an end.
He wanted to know how love feels.
Is it the same after feasting on a delicious meal?
Or like feeling the warmth of a cave?
But no one would love how he behaves.
So he wandered the snowy fields.
Leaving his true self to never be revealed.
Hoping to find a better life to live.
He hopes to be able to forgive.
Those who betrayed him.
But his feelings are filling to the brim.
He cannot contain them any longer.
He howls to the sky and wishes he were stronger.
Upon howling he soon discovers something strange.
But is yet out of range.
He stares at in disbelief.
But he feels that his grief.
Slowly disappears into thin air.
While light shines on what is there.
He stares at the light colored moon.
He stares for hours until it has left so soon.
Sadness immediately fills his heart.
This feeling is tearing him apart.
He cannot let his love get away.
So he chases the moon as he is full of dismay.
Wondering why it left so suddenly.
When it gave off a feeling so lovingly.
He tried but could not win.
He stopped running and gave in.
No one wanted to be around him.
Sadness came back even more grim.
He wishes he could be more than only,
Just a wolf that is so lonely.

No One There (5/27/2015)

As I stand here alongside this wretched sea.
Watching as my inner self is no longer free.
Trapped and bounded by these chains.
As it continues to pour and rain.
Deep inside my darkened soul.
Broken beyond all control.
Staring at my lost face.
As it is trapped in this darkened place.
Buried beneath these horrible thoughts.
Wondering why whenever I fought.
It did not help me at all.
No one answered my calls.
I cried and cried, but no one was there.
No one ever cared.
I’m trapped in this darkness and I cannot get away.
Trapped beyond this challenging dismay.
I’m all alone with no one there.
Why does no one care?
I’m not ever good enough for anything.
Why is this the only thing my luck brings.
I’m so tired of being left alone.
What have I ever known?
About being loved by someone.
But no, they were instead done.
Of dealing with someone like me.
Because I eventually turned out to be.
Someone they didn’t like at all.
Because of all of my downfalls.
I’m so tired of all this pain.
And the heaviness of this rain.
That pours upon my broken heart.
That everyone seems to tear apart.
I just want to get away.
From all of these depressing days.

Venting Thoughts (4/3/2015)

So I feel really bad. I feel completely terrible. I’ve been facing some problems lately. And they have been making me upset. I’ve been trying to ignore them, but it’s hard to. Because of this, I forgot all about one of my close friend’s birthday. I feel really bad and upset cause I forgot about his birthday. I started crying because I was so caught up in my problems that I forgot about his birthday. And it made me even more upset cause I forgot about his birthday. I haven’t told him why I forgot because I don’t want him to think I’m just making up excuses. I just feel really, really bad. I feel like I made him upset, too. I don’t really expect any replies to this. I was just wanting to vent somewhere.