True Happiness (01/28/2017)
I’ve done it before.
I’ve attempted it before.
I tried to end my life before.
And during that time…
Was when I felt the most happiest.
I wish to feel that happiness again.
Even though I couldn’t feel anything.
The thought that went through my head,
“I can finally leave. I can finally escape.
I can finally end it all.”
Made me feel something I haven’t felt before.
I’m craving it again.
I want that true happiness.
I want to attempt it again.
Because that’s how I’ll be able to feel it again.
Yeah, I care about the people around me.
I know if I actually did attempt,
they would be upset.
But at the same time…
That’s selfish of them.
To want me to stay when I only suffer.
No way to express myself.
Nothing to help me.
I can only truly feel happy
when I finally pass on.
I crave the feeling to slip away.
I crave the feeling to know that
I’m about to die.
I only felt true happiness when that happened.
What is there in life for me?
I don’t want it.
A successful job?
I don’t care.
Spending my life with my SO?
I don’t know.
Nothing seems worth it anymore.
No one cares except two people.
So why not go?
I’d only disappoint two people anyway.
I wouldn’t make too many people sad.
I wouldn’t have to make many people worry.
I wouldn’t have to have many people mourn me.
So what’s stopping me?
From reaching my true happiness?
Maybe a wrong sense of time.
Possibly not enough materials.
Something’s stopping me.
I can’t leave things go unfinished.
Maybe that’s why.
I have to finish what’s left for me.
It isn’t much anyway.
Maybe it could be complete soon.
I don’t want to keep my true happiness waiting.
I want to feel it again.
I want to feel truly happy again.