Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

I’m Not Happy (6/12/2016)

You say how happy you are,
But why are you happy?
Can’t you see?
I’m not happy.
I’m not happy to still be here.
I don’t want to exist.
I don’t want to be alive.
I’ve lived up to a point where I realized,
I can’t continue to live life.
I’ve been happy until recently.
Until everything crashed down on me.
I can’t handle everything anymore.
I don’t wish to exist anymore.
I wish I never existed.
I can’t continue to be here.
I don’t want to be here.
You said you were happy I lived.
You said you couldn’t believe I attempted it.
You didn’t believe that I would do something.
When I did, you decided to give up.
I didn’t want to live.
Especially not after failing the attempt.
No one wants to be around someone like me.
No one wants to hold onto someone
Who may let go entirely one day.
I’ve tried since getting out
To be happier.
To see the better side of life.
But once again…
It proves to me that I don’t belong.
I’m losing reasons to live
and gaining more reasons to die.
People keep leaving and I have no one.
I don’t have anyone to really want me here.
No one cares enough to help me.
No one cares enough to stay.
As I’ve said before, you’d leave,
Just like everyone else.
And as I predicted, you left.
I’m not happy living.
I’ve never been truly happy to live.
All these years to have passed,
I’ve never been happy.
I’m not happy to be alive.
So why do you want me to suffer so much?
Why do you want me to live when I’m not happy to be alive?
Why do you want me to stay
and continue to hurt
and suffer.
I’m not happy.
I want to leave.
I want to not be here any longer.

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4 responses

  1. I’ve felt this way many times. People call suicide a selfish act but in my opinion staying alive for someone else is selfishness on their part. They don’t feel our pain. They don’t have to deal with it. We do. As for hellfire, I don’t believe in it. A merciful God knows we’re suffering so bad that suicide to us IS an option. None the less to whoever wrote this I hope things have changed for the better, that you’re alive and well. God bless you.

    August 28, 2016 at 6:47 pm

  2. Life is like that for people like you and I. I feel the same way. Why do people consider suicide a selfish act? They say it’s because you don’t consider the people you’ve left behind. I’ve always felt that the people who want you around, the ones who don’t consider how painful your life is – they are the selfish ones because thru don’t care that you suffer, they just don’t want the guilt trip once you’re dead.

    September 14, 2016 at 12:57 am

  3. I could have written this. You are not alone in feeling this way. I feel as if I am just existing. I wouldn’t attempt suicide but I’m just waiting for death.

    October 7, 2016 at 7:46 pm

  4. I could have written this. You are not alone in feeling this way. I feel as if I am just existing. I wouldn’t attempt suicide but I’m just waiting for death.

    October 7, 2016 at 7:46 pm

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