Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

My World… (3/19/2015)

Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!
I can’t deal with this anymore.
All this stress is becoming too overwhelming.
It hurts so much.
I can’t eat, I literally cannot eat.
I am too stressed to eat.
I’m too stressed and upset.
I don’t know what to do now.
I think I already lost you.
Lost you to your friend.
That is like, one of my worst fears.
To lose you to another girl.
Or to just lose you in general.
I miss you.
I know I said that I wanted some alone time from you.
But it’s killing me.
I feel like I’m dying.
Or that I’ll do something that’ll result in me dying.
I haven’t had these thoughts in such a long time.
Thoughts of contemplating suicide.
I want to die.
Because it feels like I lost my world.
You are my world.
Well…
At least you were my world…
I thought you were my world.
It feels like you don’t care.
And that you want to just leave.
Or just don’t care to be with me.
It feels like you’d rather go and be with your friend.
And be in a relationship with her.
It hurts to think that.
It hurts to think of losing you.
But I can’t do anything to change your mind.
I can’t do anything to get you back.
As you said, you started losing trust in me.
And that it may be good to break up.
I don’t want to break up with you.
But I feel like I can’t change that.
That I can’t change the fact that you want to break up.
Even though I said I wanted to try to work things out…
You said you were trying, but I didn’t know.
Because I thought everything was fine.
I didn’t know you were upset.
I didn’t know there was a problem between us.
You just kept it from me.
I thought you were fine with what I did.
But you were lying.
You’re the liar.
You accusing me of lying…
YOU’RE THE ONE FUCKING LYING!!!
I’m not lying.
I never lied about saying “I Love You”.
I never did.
But you lied to me before.
So now I don’t know if I could trust you…
Because you lied to me.
I don’t even know how long you’ve been lying to me.
For all I know, you could be lying about saying that you love me.
You probably never did.
You probably never loved me…
I…
I don’t know what to do…
I’m just so hurt.
I’m so broken.
I feel so alone…
I don’t know if I could trust you anymore.
You lied to me before…
Maybe it would be best if we broke up…
You were my world…
You were the glue that held together my broken world…
You fixed my broken world…
But…
You WERE my world…

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