Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Archive for January, 2015

I’m Sorry (1/29/2015)

I can’t help myself.
I’m sorry, but I just find it hard to continue.
It’s hard to continue to do anything.
I just feel like I care less and less everyday.
Like I wouldn’t care so much about what happens to me.
It hurts me so much when I think about what’s happening.
But it just happens to me when I don’t think about it.
I hate how it feels like I don’t have control.
Why can’t I help myself?
I’m trying my best to get through life.
But it seems to never be good enough.
Not to me.
And not to anyone else.
I’m trying so hard not to give up completely.
But it’s so hard to find a reason not to.
I feel like everyone is giving up on me.
I’m sorry to be such a difficult, pain in the ass.
I’m trying to change, but I don’t think it’s working.
Because I feel like I should be more open.
But it’s making everyone start to not want to be around me.
Or just get annoyed/pissed off at me.
I’m sorry that I’m not trying hard enough.
But I sincerely am trying very hard.
But it’s hard to fight back the feelings.
Feelings like anger, frustration, sadness, and a million others.
It’s really hard to not let them get in the way of our friendship.
But lately, that’s all it seems to do.
I’m sorry, but I’m trying.
But I’m losing my will to try.
I’m sorry that I’m not strong enough to continue without falling.


I Think I Have A Problem (1/29/2015)

I think I have a problem.
I could have been told a million times to do something.
But I end up not doing them.
I think it’s mostly because…
I would just start to think and I’d get lost in my thoughts.
I know I have to do my homework and work on learning this and that.
But lately I’ve been just sitting and doing nothing.
Nothing but think and think.
And think.
I would end up just thinking about something for the longest.
Sometimes I don’t even feel like I’m thinking.
That I’m just sitting there with a blank mind.
Ignoring everything around me.
Ignoring the sounds.
The people.
And it seems like I tune people out more than usual.
Mostly when I start to think.
I don’t know why I would end up getting lost deep in thought.
Or no thought at all.
Just lost in something.
Maybe I just get lost in darkness which inhabits my mind.
Or maybe I just get lost in my own little world.
That I try to think of to get out of reality.
Either way, I still think this is a problem.
I think this is my problem.
Because I would do this.
And hours would go by and it wouldn’t feel like that long of time.
And I don’t do this on purpose either.
It just…happens.
I’m really not sure.
But I do think I have a terrible problem.