Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Archive for November, 2014

Sadness (11/27/2014)

The thoughts around me are all the same.
Negative, pessimistic, deceiving.
What do I have to do to make them go away?
I’ve lived with them for a while.
I know there’s a good through all of this.
But I can barely see any good in it.
I can barely see any positives.
I’ve been sad before.
I know that.
But I feel so upset that it’s difficult to comprehend.
My heart feels broken when I know it’s not.
My mind feels deceived when it probably wasn’t.
I feel like I’m just jumping to the worst possible solution.
Where nothing good comes out.
I’m trying not to do that.
But it’s difficult to undo the things I did.
I’m so used to a worst case scenario.
It’s difficult to not do that anymore.
But even so, I feel so sad that I automatically do that.
I don’t think about it.
I just do.
It’s hard to try and think of positives right now.
When all I used to think about were negatives.
I’m trying to be more optimistic.
But it’s hard to do so.
When all I used to be was pessimistic.
I’m trying to face these challenges.
I really am.
But I’m having trouble holding up.
Because I know that my future is slipping from my grasp.
I’m trying to hold on.
But the sadness is a liquid that keeps pouring onto my hands.
To make me lose my grip of my future.
I’m trying to make it go away.
But my future is slipping away faster than I am making the sadness go away.


Broken Heart (11/27/2014)

Blood pouring onto the window pane.
What do I have to lose only to gain?
My broken heart became fragile and rigid.
Walking across these broken bridges.
Hoping to find a new goal.
To help shape and mold my lost soul.
Thinking back to a past once happy.
That eventually turned into one more crappy.
Losing hope and sight for my cursed dream.
Forgetting what they all used to mean.
Nightmares haunt and cursed my putrid life.
Bringing nothing but conversations that end in strife.
My broken heart may never mend.
Once someone realizes that, it’ll be the end.

I Tried. (11/05/2014)

I sense it all the time.
The cold shoulder.
The “don’t look at her” expression.
The annoyance in your tone.
How you don’t want to be around me.
How you’re annoyed by me.
I sense it.
I know you don’t want to be around me.
I can feel your annoyed attitude from me.
I can tell that you don’t want to be around me.
I’m sorry, all right?
I got too attached to you and now I just…
I just wanted to be your friend.
‘Cause you’re cool.
And smart and amazing.
And chill to hang out with.
I wanted to consider you a friend, but now.
I know.
You don’t want to be friends.
You just want me to stop talking to you.
To just leave you alone.
To leave out of your life.
And never come back.
I thought you were my friend.
But you’re just like the rest of them.
Pretending to be friends with me, and for what?
To just get info out of me to blackmail me?
Fuck this shit.
I’m fucking tired of meeting new people.
I’m tired of them never wanting to be in my life.
Only to fucking use me.
I’m so fucking sick and tired of it.
I’m fucking tired of meeting people.
I’m tired of trusting people.
Because they always just fucking back stab me.
Or they just leave out of my life.
I’m so sick of it.
I tried…
I tried to be someone they could want in their life.
I was right.
I don’t belong anywhere.
I never have and never will.
My entire life and I never belonged anywhere.
Everywhere I went, there was always a reason.
A reason for why they don’t want me there.
I’m sorry.
I tried, I don’t know what else to do.
I tried to fit in.
I tried to find a place where I belong.
But who would want someone like me in their life?