Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

False Hope (10/14/2014)

It’s a late evening and I can’t sleep.
I feel so trapped and fell so far under.
Far under my never ending sorrow and misery.
I thought I was better than before.
But it’s much worse.
My pain won’t go away and my memories…
My memories are my forever haunting me.
The memories of you and I.
We used to be close.
But now we barely say a word to each other.
Why?
I used to love talking to you.
But…
It seems you don’t want to talk to me.
Are you avoiding me?
Why call yourself my friend if all you do is avoid me?
Why are calling yourself my friend if you never wanted anything to do with me?
Well…
I shouldn’t call you a friend anymore.
You stopped being there for me after I told you my problems.
I had hoped you’d be there.
But you stopped.
I thought you were different.
But you are the same as everyone else.
It’s 1:30AM and I can’t sleep a wink.
Not when my heart is as heavy as now.
Not when my mind is being weighed down.
I’m carrying a load on my shoulders and chest.
If I dropped you out of my life…
Would it be a great relief?
Or a great weight to carry?
When I would feel sorry for myself
When I would just blame myself for you not wanting to be around me.
I can’t help but blame myself and put myself down this much.
I wish you would be there for me.
I wish for this so much.
I hoped you would change and would be willing to help me.
But instead it seems you would rather avoid me.
Maybe I should give up trying.
But every time that I do…
You come back into my life.
As if you never left.
I’m so sick of it.
Please just stay in my life.
I had hoped you’d be there for me.
Maybe I was just creating false happiness for me.
Maybe I was just creating false hope.
Just lies created in my heavy mind.

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