Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Archive for October, 2014

False Hope (10/14/2014)

It’s a late evening and I can’t sleep.
I feel so trapped and fell so far under.
Far under my never ending sorrow and misery.
I thought I was better than before.
But it’s much worse.
My pain won’t go away and my memories…
My memories are my forever haunting me.
The memories of you and I.
We used to be close.
But now we barely say a word to each other.
Why?
I used to love talking to you.
But…
It seems you don’t want to talk to me.
Are you avoiding me?
Why call yourself my friend if all you do is avoid me?
Why are calling yourself my friend if you never wanted anything to do with me?
Well…
I shouldn’t call you a friend anymore.
You stopped being there for me after I told you my problems.
I had hoped you’d be there.
But you stopped.
I thought you were different.
But you are the same as everyone else.
It’s 1:30AM and I can’t sleep a wink.
Not when my heart is as heavy as now.
Not when my mind is being weighed down.
I’m carrying a load on my shoulders and chest.
If I dropped you out of my life…
Would it be a great relief?
Or a great weight to carry?
When I would feel sorry for myself
When I would just blame myself for you not wanting to be around me.
I can’t help but blame myself and put myself down this much.
I wish you would be there for me.
I wish for this so much.
I hoped you would change and would be willing to help me.
But instead it seems you would rather avoid me.
Maybe I should give up trying.
But every time that I do…
You come back into my life.
As if you never left.
I’m so sick of it.
Please just stay in my life.
I had hoped you’d be there for me.
Maybe I was just creating false happiness for me.
Maybe I was just creating false hope.
Just lies created in my heavy mind.

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National Coming Out Day and My Thoughts

So… Hey guys. Today is October 11, 2014 and it is currently 9:44pm. Today is, in case you didn’t know, National Coming Out day. I understand that not everyone is in favor of gays and lesbians and stuff. (I can’t think of the name or word to group all non-straight people together. Sorry. x.x Please no hate.)

But I am, I’m an ally. I support those people. I feel they all should have the right to marry who they love and be with who they love without judgement. It’s not bothering me any. Although, there is still much judgement in the world. But it’s not my problem to know if two men are together or a person is getting one of those surgeries things to transition from one gender to another. That isn’t bothering me any, so why should it be such a bother to those who aren’t even in that position? It’s kind of dumb, in my opinion.

But, I’m trying to keep my thoughts logical and nice. XD

I am an ally.

Now, I feel like I should tell a secret that you may not know of me. I’m not entirely sure if what I am is right though. I’m still a little confused about it.

But as far as I know, I’m pansexual. I’m proud to be pansexual, although I’m scared of judgement from being it. x.x I mean, sure I’m fine with people knowing, but I’m scared of how they’d react. Y’know what I mean?

Plus it’d be kind of weird for me to be pansexual and not be an ally. XD

I don’t know if this would mean much to you guys who follow my blog. I just feel like I need to bring more confidence in myself and being more open since I’m like a tightly closed chest that’s hard to crack.

I admit, it’s very hard for me to trust others with my thoughts and opinions. But I know I need to be more trusting with others. So I’m trying, baby step by baby step. But yeah.

For those that do care about something like this of mine and aren’t that judging of stuff like this, thanks. I just felt like I needed to say this. It’s currently 9:59pm. I think this is as much as I can write. Thanks to those who read this though.