Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

What If? (9/27/2014)

What if I just maybe, sort of, accidentally, kind of killed myself?
You know, by accident.
Not on purpose.
What if I did.
Like how I’m laying here, typing this up while eating Little Bites muffins.
The mini blueberry kind with a soft texture.
And I just choke on them.
And I choke and gasp for breath and just die because no one was around to save me.
Hours later my grandparents would find me here.
Laptop on my lap, this up on the screen, not even finished.
This poem on the screen, I mean.
Or how I could be so tired if I’m walking home from somewhere.
There’s a busy street I have to pass.
I eventually reach the street, but I’m awfully exhausted.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
What if I just walked through the street, thinking no cars were coming by, but there were?
I’m in the middle of the street, sleep on my mind.
And BAM!
The bumper of the car hits me.
Pushing me to hit the windshield and over the car to roll off onto the ground.
Unable to move.
Wondering what happened.
Thinking, “Damn, I’m so tired… I’m hurting but I feel numb.”
“I know I’m laying down, but what happened?”
“Dammit, I’m too tired to think.”
“I just want to sleep.”
“Maybe I can finally sleep.”
And my eyes slowly close, never to wake again.
What if I accidentally killed myself?
Not thinking about it but knowing suicide takes over my mind.
I’m not intending to kill myself.
But my mind sort of blocks the fact that I am going to.
And I actually do.
Would people still love me had I died from unconsciously thinking of suicide?
Would they still have cared about me if I died by accidental suicide?
Or, what if…
I go to a party with other young adults.
There’s alcohol served and I’m feeling thirsty.
I take a swig, and it feels like I don’t necessarily have to think about much.
I feel addicted.
I want to drink more of it, so I do.
Later that night I get a mind blowing headache.
My head hurts so much that I can’t think much.
Somehow I make it home and I find the pain killers.
Normally I would know not to take them while drunk.
But with this headache, I’ll do anything.
I take what I thought was a couple of pills.
But in reality, it was a handful.
I didn’t think it was a handful, but couldn’t think straight.
So I passed out.
I slowly open my eyes and I’m in a hospital.
I’m somehow alive after heavy drinking and overdosing.
Tubes and needles are connected to me.
I’m scared.
What the hell just happened?
Why am I here??
Where is everyone?!
I start to freak out in which a nurse comes to calm me down.
I’m so scared, I don’t know what happened.
What day is it?
Where is everyone?
Tears fill my eyes.
“What the hell did I do?” I say to myself.
A few minutes, he comes there.
My lover, my boyfriend, my best friend.
He’s standing in the doorway.
It’s hard to make out his expression from the drugs I’m under that the hospital gave me.
I get scared because he knows that I have suicidal thoughts.
What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because he thinks what I did was a way to kill myself?
I don’t know what to do.
I just end up crying even harder.
He comes over and hugs me.
I just don’t know how to feel, but I feel better in his arms.
Though, if this did really happen, would he still love me?
If I accidentally tried to commit suicide and fail, would anyone still love me?
None of this ever happened to me, but what if it did?
Would people still think the same of me before something like that happens?
Or would they just not want to be around me if I were to accidentally do something like that?
What if I accidentally committed suicide?

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