Reflections on my inner and outer worlds.

Archive for September, 2014

I Love You (9/29/14)

I feel like I’m walking on air.
Floating above the clouds.
Being with you makes me really happy.
Like, happier than having a puppy.
Though having a puppy is nice.
But being with you makes me super happy.
I can’t even express how happy I am.
Your being near mine.
I feel more relaxed.
I feel better.
More secure.
The feeling of your body next to mine.
As we would cuddle.
Your fingers entwined in mine.
Everything just feels like bliss.
Please don’t ever leave my side.
Else the gloomy cloud will once again return.
When you’re around, the cloud disappears.
The sun shines on my day.
No rain to kill my mood.
So please don’t leave my side.
You make me happy and you’re so sweet.
I love you so much.
Your love for me is so amazing.
I just want you to know how much I love you.

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What If? (9/27/2014)

What if I just maybe, sort of, accidentally, kind of killed myself?
You know, by accident.
Not on purpose.
What if I did.
Like how I’m laying here, typing this up while eating Little Bites muffins.
The mini blueberry kind with a soft texture.
And I just choke on them.
And I choke and gasp for breath and just die because no one was around to save me.
Hours later my grandparents would find me here.
Laptop on my lap, this up on the screen, not even finished.
This poem on the screen, I mean.
Or how I could be so tired if I’m walking home from somewhere.
There’s a busy street I have to pass.
I eventually reach the street, but I’m awfully exhausted.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
What if I just walked through the street, thinking no cars were coming by, but there were?
I’m in the middle of the street, sleep on my mind.
And BAM!
The bumper of the car hits me.
Pushing me to hit the windshield and over the car to roll off onto the ground.
Unable to move.
Wondering what happened.
Thinking, “Damn, I’m so tired… I’m hurting but I feel numb.”
“I know I’m laying down, but what happened?”
“Dammit, I’m too tired to think.”
“I just want to sleep.”
“Maybe I can finally sleep.”
And my eyes slowly close, never to wake again.
What if I accidentally killed myself?
Not thinking about it but knowing suicide takes over my mind.
I’m not intending to kill myself.
But my mind sort of blocks the fact that I am going to.
And I actually do.
Would people still love me had I died from unconsciously thinking of suicide?
Would they still have cared about me if I died by accidental suicide?
Or, what if…
I go to a party with other young adults.
There’s alcohol served and I’m feeling thirsty.
I take a swig, and it feels like I don’t necessarily have to think about much.
I feel addicted.
I want to drink more of it, so I do.
Later that night I get a mind blowing headache.
My head hurts so much that I can’t think much.
Somehow I make it home and I find the pain killers.
Normally I would know not to take them while drunk.
But with this headache, I’ll do anything.
I take what I thought was a couple of pills.
But in reality, it was a handful.
I didn’t think it was a handful, but couldn’t think straight.
So I passed out.
I slowly open my eyes and I’m in a hospital.
I’m somehow alive after heavy drinking and overdosing.
Tubes and needles are connected to me.
I’m scared.
What the hell just happened?
Why am I here??
Where is everyone?!
I start to freak out in which a nurse comes to calm me down.
I’m so scared, I don’t know what happened.
What day is it?
Where is everyone?
Tears fill my eyes.
“What the hell did I do?” I say to myself.
A few minutes, he comes there.
My lover, my boyfriend, my best friend.
He’s standing in the doorway.
It’s hard to make out his expression from the drugs I’m under that the hospital gave me.
I get scared because he knows that I have suicidal thoughts.
What if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because he thinks what I did was a way to kill myself?
I don’t know what to do.
I just end up crying even harder.
He comes over and hugs me.
I just don’t know how to feel, but I feel better in his arms.
Though, if this did really happen, would he still love me?
If I accidentally tried to commit suicide and fail, would anyone still love me?
None of this ever happened to me, but what if it did?
Would people still think the same of me before something like that happens?
Or would they just not want to be around me if I were to accidentally do something like that?
What if I accidentally committed suicide?


Helplessness (9/17/2014)

It’s happening again.
These feelings.
I’m breaking again.
I thought I was fixed…
But I’m breaking once more.
I can’t be of help.
I want to help.
But I just can’t.
I’m breaking.
Every part inside of me is crumbling.
It’s not staying together.
Everything I taught myself to do.
To not cry at pathetic things.
To not feel this way.
It’s all breaking.
It’s all falling apart.
Why.
Why can’t I stay together?
I tried my best to stay together.
Until this same situation came here.
Just like before.
Just like the others.
Thoughts of them…
“Leaving.”
“Going away.”
Committing suicide.
The ones I love.
Those thoughts of them.
Never coming back.
I thought I got rid of those sorts of feelings.
I thought I was able to.
I thought I’d never feel this way again.
But it’s come back to haunt me.
Go away…
GO AWAY!
I hate these feelings.
Tears rushing down my face.
My stomach aching to puke.
My head hurting.
Unable to think.
Confusion surrounding my broken soul.
I thought those feelings were gone.
But they’re back.
I want to help the ones I love.
So I don’t have to feel this way.
But I can’t help.
I can’t help…
I’m so useless as usual.
I can’t be of any help to the ones I love.
I want to help…
But I can’t…


Let Me Help (9/17/2014)

Sickness fills my stomach.
No longer are they butterflies.
But disgusting sickness.
How can I be of help to you?
I can’t help.
It causes sickness in my stomach.
Please let me help.
The sickness is corroding my entire being.
I can’t keep up.
My body can’t rid the sickness any longer.
The butterflies died and are corrupting my being.
I can’t hold it in.
The sickness is traveling throughout my body.
Why can’t I rid this filthy pest?
Why can’t I get rid of this sickness?
This feeling of being worried?
Please, let me help you.
Let me aid you and help you not feel this way.
I can’t feel better knowing that you aren’t well.
I can’t just hope that you’ll feel better.
Because I know how hard it is to face this by one’s self.
Please let me help you.
Please help me get rid of this sickness.
Please…
I’m deathly worried about you.
I want to help you feel better.
I can’t help you feel better if you won’t let me.
The butterflies you gave me are dying.
Because they are so worried.
I’m so worried, please.
Please let me help.
The tears are rushing down my face.
I’m so pathetic.
I can’t help.
My tears won’t stop because I can’t be of any help.
My mind is racing and the tears are falling.
I can’t get what I’m trying to say written down.
But writing is all I can do to open my heart.
My heart is blocked.
My mind is shut down.
I can’t think straight.
The only thing I can think of is helping you.
I can’t stop thinking of what if…
What if you just off-ed yourself right now.
I don’t know how I could get over you.
What if I didn’t try hard enough to help?
I want to help so badly.
I can’t think straight.
I can only think of helping you.
Please let me help you.
Please, just let me help you get through this.
I don’t want you dying over a temporary problem.
I don’t like knowing I can’t be of any help.
I know I’m not of much help.
But I try to be.
I try to be of help.
But I can’t ever be of good help.
I want to help.
So please let me help you.
Please…
Let me at least try…